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Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

A man or a woman addicted to drugs suffers much because it is very difficult to grasp the way in which this evil takes root in the soul of a person.

I have been addicted to drugs, on and off, since I was in college, my love, during those days when I knew not my Lord, Jesus Christ, and therefore, had no reference whatsoever in the darkness where I had lived my life.

Yes, my love, for the real life of a Man, is the life that is lived from within, from that universe that is begun when the soul that slumbers begins to reach out to the Love reaching in.

This Love, once unknown to my heart, is the God that has been gently and patiently reaching out as a Light to the souls of Mankind now particularly revealed and known to my own soul as Jesus Christ, my All. And so for having believed in the Love reaching in, my soul sprang like that little mustard seed into an entire universe, a Kingdom wherein all that is Love that in Its infinite mystery is revealed to me becomes present to me and I to It.

As a consequence, I have also awakened to a sense of sin that grows like the Kingdom of the God of my heart to encompass all of my being. It is indeed, a terrifying thing, to realize the extent to which I have been absent to the Presence of the Lord Who had always been with me, all the days of my life; that the religion of the self that I had once lived while I was in the darkness was not the religion that I now must live with, in, through and for the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, the one triune God of my life.

This addiction to methamphetamine has been a terrible thing in my life that I have sought to understand and to frame it in a way that I am able to realize its course into my soul. For I have come to realize its evil only through the damage it leaves in its wake in my life and in the lives of the many people I love and care for in my life. Therefore, I have never been able to challenge this evil with a confidence of faith illuminating reason for a long time in my life until now.

For it has now pleased my Lord to bless my repentance of this particular and very significant sin of my life, the sin of drug addiction, that it should now begin to bear its fruit for Him.

This evil entered into my life in the name of friendship. It has come to grow until it was in the name of self and now it has matured enough to boldly claim the name of sin itself in my life yet denying still in the eyes of my heart the sin which it really is.

I have sought to understand it in the frame of human weakness, brokenness of life and family, loneliness and come to the extent of ignoring it and surrendering the labor of my will to ever come to an understanding of this evil, casting myself completely to the Providence of God. After much chastisement, my Heavenly Father, in His mercy, has seen it fit to allow me to understand, through a loving fear of the Lord, the complete course of this sin in my life.

I have been up till now associating this sin of drug addiction with concupiscence of the flesh and have therefore been seeking its remedy in the way of chastity, which is a severe warfare I have been waging in my heart for God. Lust makes objects out of things of Beauty, another Dragon of sin that grew to maturity in the darkness I had once inhabited. Once I become aware that this evil have begun to threaten my sense of the appreciation of the beautiful for being by Beauty beheld, I know that until my defense is complete, I shall have to contain this war in my heart within the confines of myself and so there are times as regards to this sin that I had to resort to a lesser evil of masturbation to prevent what I sense is a bigger blow. For I will no longer endure impure relationships with other hearts.

Drug addiction guarantees itself an entrance to my soul using this route by using the guise of this sin. Which is why this evil seems to creep in and over run me from behind the lines of my will. And which is also why I never see its approach and have only known this evil from the damage it leaves in its wake.

This sin hid itself within my greatest vulnerability, as if by a sense of wicked intelligence, exacerbating it, miring me in cycles of defeat. This is an indication of malice; that there is malice present in the sin itself, something only the power of God can undo.

Drug addiction is a lie. It had lied to me right from the beginning and seeks to take the whole of the universe I cherish with you, my love, and with all of whom we love who loves us, it seeks to become our singular font of happiness and reign where only our God must reign.

This kind of evil can not be met like concupiscence is met in the battle for Christian chastity.

This is a purely spiritual evil, without any corporal dimensions and so like the temptations of our Lord in the desert, I can not quit it - I must cause it to quit me.

It shall try to deceive me in other ways but a lie is a lie. It had hurt me, almost completely destroyed me, and so many people I love and now, by God's mercy and grace, I know it completely as what it is, I will always see it approaches, and know it for what it is; a lie which can never deceive me again.

I will, most especially in this season of Lent, complete my remembrances with my Savior, and meet this sin in my life where it counts. By the grace of God, I will isolate it from all its enabling disguises, challenge it for what it is and rebuke all its empty promises.

It shall quit me, my love, it most certainly will.

I shall then, after a time, take from all of this to help others who are also suffering from this sin.

I love you.

Always to always,

Pusing