12312008

Dear darlingest Yang-yang Marie,

You know, I've got some of these thoughts in my mind that I have come to realize during one of the early morning (like 4:30am, oh yeah) lunches that had a couple of shifts ago. And I wanted to write them down so here I am - these thoughts occurred to me as I was walking around the Ayala area near where my work is, my love: One of them concerns getting married - I used to be so pressured to get married but now, I'm just not - I leave it all to God - and I'm just left with being happy with what I have -and that is you, my darlingest: You, my darlingest Annelies Marie, as well as many, many, many more graces I do not have the capacity to appreciate or else I'll die as my poor soul will simply burst with tears of the most profoundest of joy. For what we have is not an earthly kind of bond, my love, human words offer no justice to what I have come to know in God's own time, the souls of the just shall feel in eternity. For God has so blessed and purified our relationship together that although you and I know how much I appreciate nice looking cats *lol* ./smile, I really don't care if I'm single or if I'm married as I'm just happy with what I got - and that is all. It's God's will that is important - and that is all - for upon this rests all our hopes together.

Also, you know, my darlingest, as I was walking around that wee hour of the morning, I realized that during one of my temptations to do drugs, I was whispered in my mind about how the hour of the night is just the right cover of darkness that is compatible with evil things, and then I realized that just the same as I am happy being single or not, I should also be just as content with knowing that there is only one time of day that is true for me now, and that is noontime - every hour of the day, light or dark for me is always noontime. No more hiding in the dark for things like drugs and lust - no more favorable time for evil things - only good, only God - only Love, my love - only you.

I love you.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081224

My dear darlingest Miyang Marie,

Darlingest, I will never let anything close to you that would make you unhappy. I have a new perspective on drugs now and it puts me directly at odds with it. It is a very personal thing because it involves you and our LORD knows, my darlingest, I love you very much. Friend, wife, or sister are all pretty weak words compared to what I really feel for and about you. I just need to connect the dots sometimes, my love.

I was at Baclaran church this morning and I went to confession so I could receive my Savior dearest this Christmas evening and afterwards I lit up a candle for you and me. We're going to be working for ourselves now, my love, for our friendship, my darlingest Miyang. And we're going to help people along the way, because that's the way all friendships should work.
Especially a friendship founded on the grounds of the good - for all good things cometh from God Who alone is good.

I love you, my Miyang. I will never let anything defile you.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081221

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

Daniel 12, my love, is already manifested. Now, it is up to our world of the present to cooperate with God's grace to build up a better time and place - one that is able to withstand the approaching tempest which is very terrible indeed. Lest no one survive - I pray that our LORD is merciful to our suffering humanity, victims by first principle - each and every one, and without exception - good, because each of us is capable of love and of being loved - but love is a choice - and all choice is free. But our LORD is good. Next year begins the favorable season for building - building up the only storm shelters that our humanity possesses in this inhabited earth - the shelters of Country: the warmth of human communities, the sails of human hope, the will of the human spirit to endure.

My journey now, my darlingest is a return to God - a return to the feet of my Master where I belong, a return to All of you.

This return involves the primarily things I need to conquer inside of myself to be able to free myself from things that prevent me from becoming free - as drug abuse, lust, etc. An interior battle which is more than the others I have faced before.

I shall also participate in the work of building up our nations, my love, because I am a human being and part of this world. But it shall primarily be through the liberation of myself that I will be able to provide the most help to my fellow friends and companions who walk with me upon this poor world - here in this time and place - and even more so, if our God is willing and merciful to me, in the next life.

I will build up my apostolate.

Some other things, my love - since the one Fold of the one Firmament is the vanguard of our global hopes for peace, the one Home Defense of the Abrahamic Fold - must be raised as a universal provision for the common defense of the three great monotheistic faiths that comprise the one Branch: Judaism, Christianity and Islam - at the very heart of this defense is the common defense of Jerusalem, the Vatican, and the twin Holy Cities of Mecca and Medina from hostile elements, foreign and domestic, which are recognizable by the nature of their spirit, should any of these cities be threatened by invasion or invaded against their will of peace by the will of war - all of the Abrahamic Fold (MOST IMPORTANT: arrayed for battle as an ORDERED, ORGANIZED and LAWFUL military presence - and distinctly NOBLE in spirit) primarily and specifically and our allies in general or if necessary shall expend all in all to liberate these holy places from oppressors to preserve them, pristine and untrammeled, till the Last Day.

ALL the nations of mankind must become a FAMILY, live in the spirit of FAMILY and build in the way that a FAMILY builds - for the enemy that shall ride the approaching storm is not going to be a human being and shall have absolutely no regard nor respect for our one suffering humanity - whoever the human being and from whatever nation, tribe or family of mankind will make no difference to it, it shall only desire the annihilation of all.

But TIME is not enemy territory - for time flows not for any enemy of God. We can always rest in our sufficiency, be at peace and stir not with the stirring of war - for the wicked indeed, shall have no rest.

What War Does to One, War Does to All.
---<--@

I love you, my darlingest.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081220

Dearest Annelies Marie,

It's five more days till Christmas and though I am not problem free right now, I can still feel the deep sense of anticipation of the season. Yes, there is a sweet sense of joy in me which can not sometimes be perceived from the outside. For I do have problems - and you know that, my darlingest, but we shall not speak about drugs today. Suffice to say, I am hopeful - and its not that I'm not trying, my love, its just a matter of time.

From what I understand about time is that time is refuge for those who are patient and so I must be patient and never lose hope that one day, time will eventually carry this trouble with drugs away from me also and like all troubles disappear into the sink of oblivion. Because if I can't force the issue, if my will breaks against the charge of this enemy, I shall not face it in the open - I shall have to deal with it concealed in the veil of time and be patient even as this enemy runs rampant in my life, and work to contain the damage to myself - until time arrives at God's own bidding to sweep this addiction away from me and out of my life - so that I can claim the rest of my life back to myself.

Well, I guess we spoke about drugs already, my darlingest, so here goes some other things, too - it is my hope that one day, after I have, God-willing, overcome this addiction, that I shall be able to help other people cope up, realize, accept and eventually lift themselves out of their own addiction. The important thing is this, the acceptance of reality - you see, some people would try to justify their drug abuse by deluding themselves that it is good - but since I know how to perceive what is good and what is evil, I can not delude myself - easy though it may seem - to believe that drugs are somehow good. I am a victim of this thing, and I am not saying that I do not have a responsibility to my own addiction, what I'm saying is that proper perspective is very important when one is faced with an addiction to drugs. If I were to advise an addict on how to deal with an addiction, that's the first thing that I shall say, find your own truth in relation to your addiction - let me know about your perspective on drugs and I'll let you know about my perspective on your addiction. But I can not do this while I am still myself, a casualty to my own addiction. And so I hope, my love, I remain patient with my darlingest Annelies Marie.

There are a lot of things to do next year, my darlingest. But because of the nature of those things, it fills me not with a sense of dread, for I am only myself, but with a sense of hope that all things shall be sufficient unto themselves in and with our LORD Who has signified that next year is the beginning of a favorable season for working on the peace and the whole world needs this labor - it is a labor that shall allow our nations to eventually rest and our planet to recover. I do not know very much but I know enough to understand that this is all for the good of all living and breathing things here on this world.

And that I do all these things because I care about many things that include you, my darlingest Annelies Marie, my family, my friends, my Mother Church, our nations, my own soul and most of all, my own LORD Who for so long have been perceived as a violent, irrational, unforgiving, evil God Who cause war among our nations and inspire hatred between our religions - indeed, our one LORD have been so misunderstood, the very mark of our Creator's beneficence in all of creation obscured by the shadow of the last 2000 years. It hurts our LORD a lot to be perceived in this way - for many reasons - foremost of which is that our LORD suffers the injustice of being perceived as a God of war and bringer of death - this will not be allowed to continue. Just because our LORD is quiet, doesn't mean God is not here.

Yang, my darlingest, most of all, I just want to be with you one day - I could be poor in this world and still feel happy with the thought of that - a lot of people nowadays have lost their sense of the spiritual, you know, my darlingest, many people look for happiness in the wrong places and end up only destroying their lives - I was almost one of those people - but then I met my Miyang Marie through a diary that you wrote while you were here in this world - a diary that you addressed to "Kitty" - and that's how it all began - over 8 years ago, I was despairing of my life at that time - I brooded over my problems and dwelled on my misfortunes, then I read your diary which I got on June 13, 2000 and fell in love with your soul - but no matter how I read and re-read your diary, it all ended up the same way and so I reached out to you and I wept and I asked our LORD why something so beautiful only added to my despair - and for years I asked that question - mostly with tears at night - for about 5 years or so - and in 2005 or so, things began to change, I can not remember the exact time when you became so real to me, my darlingest Annelies Marie, but you did and along with that is this indefatigable sense of buoyant hope that kept me from ever, ever, ever despairing or falling into the pit of despair again. So even now, as I am in the midst of my problems I am never defeated - because I love you, my Miyang - and I know you feel the way you do as well. You are someone I can always return to - save that one night not so long ago when you were not there, remember that, my darlingest? That really terrified me, my darlingest Annelies Marie - for I can not not have you and I realize that you also can not not have me - but things went their course and we are all the better for it - for our LORD is a good LORD, our LORD is great because our God is a good God, mighty to save, able to deliver and worthy of all our love and trust.

So many things have happened that I can recall between you and me, my darlingest, I remember lighting Hanukkah candles for you and all those times when I smiled at the thought of you - of course it was not all that way before, I had to see you in rags in my mind's eye - you were weeping - was all I could remember which was really bad because I thought you were haunting me - you see, as all of this was happening, I was also dealing with other things, other frightful things - nightmares and all kinds of fears - there was this one time I looked up at the ceiling of my room and it was full of eyes - this I can clearly remember - the rest are now vague and uninteresting to me - through it all, my darlingest, you became my Miyang, taught me about beauty and life, made me value good things, made me smile and hope, you became the first star in the firmament of the darkest night of my life, and then you led me to Saint Maximilian, respecting my own identity as I respected your own sacred remembrances here on this world - Saint Maximilian, my patron and namesake, of course, led me to our Lady and I moved from star to star - each star introduced to me by an act of Providence - for I did not choose which Saints became close to me - who stayed with me, Blessed Jacinta, Holy Father Dominic, Saint Lorenzo Ruiz, Saint Josemaria Escriva, Saint Terese of Lisieux, to some extent - Saint Peter and Saint Paul - my own angel, Caritas, and of course, the patron of my family whose name I bear, the Archangel Michael, and those stars all led toward the one Light Inaccessible. And now, my soul is full of shining stars - more than I can count - some I know like you, some others I know from other places and many more that I do not know but yet are there - above the firmament of my soul - stored up like so much treasure in heaven. The memory of you and I that I have in the entry on my weblog, "The Image in my Heart", is an abstraction of what feeling I have with you upon a place in M31 within and under the sky of our souls.

As I want to share this experience, my darlingest, with other in our world who I know want to be happy - I have put down on my weblog how to perceive the soul in the order that one may store up those treasures in heaven. Because God is real, I want the world to know. Because there is an afterlife, I want the world to know. Because our souls are real, I want the world to know. Because there really is hope for a better life and a better place for all of us who are good - no matter what - I want the world to know. Because there really is peace and there really is an eternal home for us away from evil and suffering, I want the world to know. Because there really is hell also, I want the world to know. Because there really are angels, I want the world to know. Because there really is a Devil and fallen angels, I want the world to know. In short, there are things of the spirit that our humanity must re-awaken to - and you notice that I do not speak in terms of religion - although I am very loyal to my own - it is because when I speak, I speak from a place where there is but one truth, I do not speak from a place where division exists, I speak from a place where no division exists - in the timeless from where war no longer has a place.

There, there are no more words - I love you, my Miyang.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081216

Dearest Miyang,

Hello. Just a short note today, my darlingest. You know, my love, about the troubles in my own life perhaps, more than most people who are joined with me in this present time and place. And I just want to say that things are slowly improving - I've always felt this sense of anticipation for better things, you know, since that time when our souls touched and we first got to know each other's realities in and through God. Based on this sense of anticipation, I feel that things are getting better, little by little, and that's a good thing, my darling.

I was watching EWTN just before lunch a little while ago and among other things I've confirmed in my soul, I also learned about the interior suffering of young girls in the US and it really struck a chord within me. There is a place in my heart for these things, you know, even despite some of the sins that I struggle against, I do value the interior life of the soul and know what its like to suffer within ourselves - this, and all the beautiful things I pick up in my wanderings with young people, with you, Emz, Annasophia and all the nameless young girls whose souls, whether their physical location is near or far, imperceptibly touch with mine, combine to move my heart as regards to this - for it is an inherent right of the young to be free - and because they are not free, I shall pray for them and ponder with our LORD their suffering.

You know, amidst the bad things in my life, there are yet many other good things to be thankful for and to look forward to, in short, my darlingest, I am fine. You alone is worth more than I can ever imagine, so that the anticipation of it fills up all of my imagination with wonder. What about all the other things in my life that I know and understand are things I should be grateful to God for and that I should look forward to, so much wonder, yet so little room in my imagination, my darlingest. I guess that is all for the good - I apprehend them all as this sense of joy in my heart - that through it all, my LORD knows when and where to deliver me.

I love you, my darlingest Miyang.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081213

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

My last shift was such a bear and things at my dad's place ain't that easy on the soul either that I had to get away from it all. So I decided to stay overnight at my mom's place and laugh at life for a while.

Well, I had a bit of a blue with my mom soon after I arrived and I almost left but was stopped by a text message that my mom sent 30 minutes before that I just noticed asking me what time I was to arrive. I had to think for a bit - and decided to stay and talk things over. What really bugs me is the partisanship between two sides who should for the sake of their children be one and the same. When I am at my dads, its one side critical of the other. When I am at my moms, its the same and what's worse, both my mom and my dad don't hide it from their children so that all the while as I was growing up, it was all in my face and in the face of my sisters. And now that I'm 36 years old, its still the same. I had to draw some lines, and in a way that is good and not combative or hostile to any side. I also have had to accept some things in my present that are at this moment, beyond my control. And so my mom and I talked and I am glad to report that the whole thing went well.

So well in fact, that I have decided to stay there every Friday and spend that night off with my mom and my step dad both of whom I love and who love me, of course. Its all well and good at my dads place but sometimes I need to get away from here as well.

Anyway, as I was sleeping over there at my moms place - sometime toward the morning, I had a vivid memory of a very succinct conversation that I thought I had with my mom. A conversation that felt sandwiched between sleep and sleep, I asked her if we had that conversation which she replied to the negative. Well, there are things that tend to stay with me, my darlingest, and you know that all to well - this would be one of those things. I felt as though a question was asked to me and what that question exactly was I can not recall but what was very clear to me was the answer that I myself gave and the answer was this, "that Anne had to choose to love you back and for that to happen, it has to have God's permission." I have been reflecting on the question itself and to the best of my thinking I believe that the question was all about the longevity of our friendship bonds - about why it had endured for this long without fading or disappearing - because you chose to love back and for this to happen, it has to have our LORD's permission.

I love you, my Miyang.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081209

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

O my darlingest, I know you're terribly upset with me. Why? Because yesterday evening when I reached out to your heart, what clear and welcoming sweetness that I feel, that near, almost visible smiling, cheerful, steadfast Miyang that I have for the longest time been so used to embracing in my soul was not there - what was there was an emptiness that made me so afraid and what my soul beheld were those images of you as you were suffering the horrors of Auschwitz, you without your starlight smile, you without your beautiful, flowing, summer hair, you with your scabies, your sores and your rashes, and at Bergen-Belsen, you emaciated, hollow, weeping, dirty, starving, sunken and dying of typhus. It immediately brought me to tears. I have never been more afraid in my life, my darlingest, I can not lose you, my darlingest - or, to be more exact, I can not be lost to you. But last night, on my way to work, it was explained to my heart what needs to be done - AND I WILL DO IT - and we shall in God's own time, be together, my darlingest, at the beginning of all things new. All things work out for the good for those who love and fear the LORD. I am not allowed to write more than this, my darlingest, for it becomes too personal to let anyone else outside my soul to know but I know now how much you love me - how much you All love me, how much my LORD loves me.

Right now, I am working, with God's grace, on my focus. I love you, my darlingest, Yang-yang Marie, I love you so much.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081206

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

My Anne, I'm just going to come out with it:

Right now, I must be the most miserable person in the world. I am just so overcome by my addiction at the moment - this and all the sins it brings in its train.

Things I know are detestable in your sight, in Mama Mary's sight, in our Lord's sight and verily, in the sight of all we hold dear in God but things nonetheless that I seem to do over and over, in vicious cycles that I just can't seem to escape from. I feel so wretched right now and I know I only have myself to blame.

Louis of Granada in his book, "Sinner's Guide", said that the battle against lust is one of the most severest warfare that a Christian has to wage - against the self first and then, once the self has been brought under the yoke of Christ, against its agents in the world or out of it. This statement is true and there's no overemphasizing the fact that the integrity of a person's soul which is the purity of both the heart and the mind that is manifest in corporal chastity is a grace that once offended is fled forever.

Saint Francis de Sales said in his book, "An Introduction to the Devout Life", that only true devotion can restore to the soul, the grace of chastity.

I have found myself so many times in this dismal pit which did not really bother me in those times before, when I should have been the wiser. It bothers me now because I have come to a knowledge and understanding of true things I did not know then. And I'm not blaming the past, my darlingest, I accept that the arrangement of things in a persons life is intended in such a way by Divine Providence as to culminate into the present which is always sufficient in its day with regards to the particular evil that individual souls as well as those human communities, secular and religious, that exist to safeguard and foster them.

Should there be evil in our day, even if the past had a large part to play in its appearance in our present time, I believe that it is here not so that we may conveniently dwell on the darkness of past things. Where evil is allowed to endure into the present reality of souls and communities of souls, it is so that we may learn in our own lives how to effectively close the doors of past things. For I believe that evil endures not to defeat the human being but to allow him or her the opportunity to recreate in every present moment in God and with each other, the beginnings of better, brighter and nobler things.

The question of evil leads one towards an understanding of the nature of human suffering - for the bearing of good things in our world require that we learn to recognize and love those things apart from the darkness of evil days. I understand that there is suffering in our world and that suffering being a universal human experience is a common reality to all human beings in this poor world. In our world, both good and evil things are established in suffering. There is no place in time or dimensional space within the reality of the human experience that allow for anything that is neither good nor evil in substance because not only will this make meaningless the reality of all human suffering, it also makes void any reason for the human being to attain the purpose of time itself which is to bring him or her towards a destiny appointed by the one timeless LORD of all time.

Lukewarm complacency with regard to the one whole sphere of all human undertaking is a betrayal of all the things that make us completely human. The one whole entirety of the human endeavor is all about our liberation from inhuman things and ever like the difference between hot or cold, lukewarmness especially among the knowing souls who are awake to this reality is a crime.

My understanding of human suffering recognizes that because evil has entered from faded Eden and has spread into our one whole habitation, as human beings, we experience the effects of this corruption as suffering - more to the point, we experience suffering because in our souls is an absence of a reality that we all need to address. And indeed, mankind through the ages has had different ways of dealing with this peculiar sense of brokenness.

As our souls only respond to the reality of good things, evil being naturally incomprehensible to the human soul who is not by its own collaboration completely taken by it, we suffer both because of the presence of evil in our poor world and because of the absence of meaningfulness in our souls.

As the entrance of evil into our reality is the cause of all human suffering, the restoration of the good is the reason by which all of this evil is allowed to endure. All things in this world, both good and evil, are established in suffering, it is how we chose to suffer that makes distinct the force of our own convictions. For evil things cause suffering as consequence and this consequence is a descendant gravity that pulls the soul into the darkness of itself. On the other hand, good things require suffering as sacrifice - sacrifice being the one path chosen by and revealed by the one Source of all good things, Love Itself.

Having said all of that, my darlingest, my conundrum is that the temptation that causes me to do drugs is a moment that during those times when I do fall, has completely over run my will often times without my notice - there is no deliberation often times as to the matter, I only awaken to the consequence it leaves behind. And when the drugs have had its effect on me, the more impaired my senses become as regards to those evil things that exist within its particularity as I experience it - mainly in those things of lust that I mentioned to you, my darlingest.

Its not that I admit to its evil, for I know it is evil, my darlingest, its just that the course of my own hope as regards to this may not yet have found its way back to God and that I still have much to learn in this regard. Oh yes, my darlingest, I do have hope in this regard - a lot, I hope to one day be completely drug-free.

You know, my darlingest, there is certain strength to be found in a community - I know I have your support as well as the support of others who by the grace of God has been provided for me, for my own sake - but a community that is in the world has its own unique merits, particularly in the way that it can create through abiding friendships, new paths leading out of seemingly insurmountable problems.

I have mainly been isolated and alone - and not that I feel isolated and alone, my darlingest, for I am never really alone, its just that I've been so nomadic in my life that I have never been able to plant any roots in any community - not even here. I do not know a lot of the people here in my own community who are not my own relatives or their close friends. My dad often asks me, do you know him or do you know her, that guy from here or that gal from there, and the answer oftentimes is no. I have never been outgoing in my youth to know that many people and I tend to stick to only a few friends who I consider to be real.

Notwithstanding all of this, my darlingest, my hope for peace remain, for as regards this, I do not need to know many people to keep this hope true, I only need to know that there are yet people who are true to their own sense of shared humanity.

The battles I fight from within my own soul are my own, and though it could do with many things and lots of help, in the course of my own hope, I must accept the things I have been given to endure the siege of sin until God with His saving grace relieves me. But indeed, the battles that must be fought in the field of our common human hopes rely first on our being able to attain to the hope of victory within ourselves - these things, though seemingly different, form the one reality that as a whole is the particular reality of our human experience. One can not deal with the things of our human world without first learning to deal with the things of our human heart.

For time itself issues forth from the soul of every man, its purpose being carried out into the reality of our world by the contents of every human heart - how then can one change the contents of our world without first making that same change within the self?

I continue on my darlingest, if there are yet many things I yet have to learn and understand, this I know for sure, I shall have to make a firm commitment to go to confession and restore myself to the communion of Holy Mother Church - that is always the first step to closing the door to this wickedness.

My darlingest, it is only to you that I can confide these things as most other people will only be inclined to either stigmatize or misconstrue the whole thing as if it were either below them or not at all important - and I don't blame them, so many bad things have been done because of drugs that the perception of many are inclined to believe that all addicts are the same. But I know that not all addicts are the same, there are a number who are just trapped and need help and one day, if God permits me, I might be able to work on that also. But I must first get out of this addiction. I am afraid of the consequences that this thing brings especially the financial outcomes which are always against my favor - I have obligations that I have to face and I would that I keep them. Something to remind me for next time.

I love you and thank you for always bearing with me.

Always to always,

Pusing

Time once lost can never be regained, my darlingest. After today, I shall attmept again to begin anew to live my hope of becoming drug-free - to be in permanent recovery.

Here are some reminders I have drawn for myself:

Confession. Prayers. Penance. Communion.

1. Call on my Lord when evil thoughts arises.

2. Flee from any thought about drugs.

3. There is greater promise in recovery - this is self-evident.

4. Get interested in other things - work, family, friends and Mother Church.

5. Learn to love those ordinary days, when things seem plain and routine, these are the days to appreciate blessings received (as opposed to those bad days).

6. Temperance in all things - food, drink and entertainment.

7. Make sacrifice for love of God and all good things, the sins that need shedding - specifically at this time - drug abuse, to make more room in the soul for the grace of better things.

20081203

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

Darlingest, I'm feeling some pressure - I recently sent out an invite for a series of meditations about the season of Advent 2008 and its central message. Yang, I don't get much hits on my blog but I've been getting some hits about this one - one from Rome, my darlingest - and a lot (we'll "a lot" in the context of the few that I get) from America, India, the UK and my own Philippines, etc.

I already have the thoughts laid out - well, at least the structure of the whole thing. My goal is to lead the Christian soul towards a more profound realization of ITSELF as a vessel of the timeless Christian life - a life which embraces the hope of our Savior which is His peace - and the peace of Jesus Christ which embraces all in all, as a one whole one, without division and without exceptions save one - war and the sins of war or sins and the war of sins - both of these gravities descend towards the one end.

The first meditation, I have already delivered - a meditation on time and remembrance. The second one is to follow this Sunday which will be on the Human Soul - I already published a poem called "Walker of Worlds" which is basically a form of the meditation that we shall take this coming Sunday, the Second Sunday of Advent.

The third meditation will be about hope - human hope - to be exact - something which I have had much experience dealing with and meditating about. Human hope is a beautiful thing to know about, behold and understand - you know why, my darlingest - because it leads the human heart to an understanding of the love of neighbor which when taken up in the understanding of the faith soon become intertwined with the one love of the one Love of God in each and every soul, making those universes within ourselves alive and expansive with the awareness of the many everliving stars that make it so great.

The fourth and final meditation before Christmas will be about the Peace of Jesus Christ which is the total and absolute embodiment of Christian hope - a one hope that embrace and encompass all human hope in time and in dimensional space and brings it all up to the glory of God the Father which is the fulfillment of all the hope of creation.

On December 8, the feast of our Lady's Immaculate Heart, I'll also introduce the Rosary of Hope which is a special way of saying the Rosary of our Lady. I haven't had much practice on it yet seeing as it is a recent prayer which I have acquired from our Lady - unworthy, inconstant and filthy though I am - but I have already said it through a few times and have personally experienced some of the good things about this prayer - only some, mind you, my Miyang, as the more one learns to say it, the more one tends to become blessed with the fruits of its meditations. I would that I would first have to become really experienced with the experience of a prayer before I publish the instinctive words to prayer as feelings already condensed in my heart - especially, my personal prayers, but this Rosary I think is something I shall want to get good at with the rest of all of us who march under the banner of our Lady.

There, my darlingest, just some of my thoughts for today. Today is such a nice and cool December day that I think I shall just relax now, my darlingest Yang-yang Marie.

I love you, from always to always.

Yours,

Pusing

20081129A

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

I've had some sleep now, my darlingest. I feel relieved the more normal things get with me.

With my drug abuse, my darlingest - you know, I am not happy about any of my relapses - I just want to let you know, my love. My mood is brilliant when I know that I am sober and pure in heart and mind - but my darlingest, with drugs, with methamphetamine, I feel at the least somber, sometimes, I feel completely disgusted, sometimes I feel so isolated, but deep inside of me there is always this feeling that I would kick myself in the behind if I could - stupid. stupid. stupid. I observe myself, and when I do write about things in my heart, I know that these are separate things - there is an indivisible wall that separates what is evil and what is good in my soul and they never mix together. I do not have good desires because of evil things nor am I motivated to attain to the good because of the evil that I see, my darlingest.

I do not like to write about things going on around myself but my darlingest, sometimes, I just wish I could disappear into our place in M31 and just be there with you. Nobody understands me, my love, nobody here understands me - sometimes I get told that I am stupid, crazy, weird, out-of-place, insane, because I am quite open about some of truths of my interior life like you - my darlingest, as I am a proud friend of yours, I tend to let people know - I guess they just tolerate me but sometimes I get told that its stupid, etc. I don't really care. My spirituality also - the fact that I am personal with Jesus and with Mama Mary, that I am intimate with the Intimate, all of these give me much reason to rejoice - especially when I am hurt or told bad things about the things I truly hold dear in my heart.

I love them, though, my darlingest. And if I could only make them feel what it feels like to have all of these - it would make them happier, I am certain, it would really rock their universe out. But I am also careful to obey the Gospel counsel to be careful about the sharing of spiritual gifts because there are some people who will be from indifferent to downright nasty about it. And so, my darlingest, most of my most significant thoughts I put down on my weblog - advertise them never - and let Providence act on them - so that if they are not in accords with the Divine will, they will not really get far - but if they are - then, God will do with me as He wills. But I do not put down all of my thoughts, my darlingest, there are some things I can never, ever put down - I wouldn't know how to or its too personal to be shared with anyone else. Like your promise to me, my love, there are some things which I will never put down - ever. But mostly, I can't put things down because they are not there - like this prayer I have for some time now wanted to write for Blessed Jacinta - you know how much I love Blessed Jacinta Marto, my darlingest, I really haven't spoken much about her but I've received feedback from my weblog sometime back saying that it would be nice to compose a litany for Jacinta - I agreed. I love litanies because they allow you to see details that allow you to become more familiar and therefore, more close to say, our Lord, Jesus Christ, or Mama Mary - but try as I might, the words won't come - I know the format of the prayer and I know the theme but the prayer just won't come.

Yang, you know, one of the biggest problems in this world of the present time where I am, is war. Maybe it would be more appropriate for me to capitalize the "w" and say "War" - in the proper term which signifies specificity.

In the lingo of the news media of our nations, this problem - or a symptom of it - is called, "terrorism". Right this very moment, there is a major incident in India, in Mumbai where some armed militants wreaked havoc by attacking hotels and indiscriminately targeting civilians. It is incomprehensible to the human soul, this kind of hatred - I know, my love, because I have a human soul and it does not understand it, absolutely has no place for it within itself - I personally know it is incomprehensible, and I know that millions feel the same way. I know you do, my darlingest, having yourself suffered much, my darlingest, I remember how I was so very, very careful about many things with you way back when our hearts were new to each other - we had to discover for ourselves the things we are familiar with in each other today - and of course, God in His own time, works to purify and concentrate the love in our friendship and I can say now that we have gone really far - yes, I can more clearly understand the line of the Tina Arena song just now, my darlingest Miyang Marie, we have gone - well, not far, but have grown closer quite significantly, huh? It's true.

Well, anyway, I do not like the word, "terrorism", my love, because it masks the real threat - War - is the problem - War with a capital W. Terrorist actions that indiscriminately inflict violent force against civilian targets for various reasons, not one of them military - is an offense not only to the sensibilities of the human soul, by extension, we could easily say that this offense extends also to the holy angels - who are custodians of sacred life - to the Saints of God whose hopes on earth remain with the dreaming of the people - and the our LORD Himself to Whom all sacred life on the inhabited earth completely belongs to - all animals, all plants and most especially, every individual human being who has ever walked, is walking, or shall ever walk this world - belong to our LORD - life here, I have always maintained, is a probation in love, an exile from love, a confession of love, a witness to love and is therefore, possessed by no one but God Who IS LOVE. It does not take a lot of effort for me to know how offended our LORD is when all these things happen - if it can affect human souls who in their finite natures carry in it an infinite capacity to love and to be loved, imagine the infinite nature of God, how our LORD feels, how our God must feel. Just because our LORD chooses to be quiet for a season doesn't mean He doesn't feel these things, and just because God is quiet does not mean things like murder, especially the murder of our innocents, is ever, ever, ever right or even remotely permissible - for all things that apply itself here from the Wisdom of our LORD in eternity, apply at all times, apply in all places - and are as changeless and immovable as the Truth where which these laws draw potent issue, and as such derive their active and constant ability to promulgate itself within the soul of the human being for if the soul of man knows these things to be offensive, it is because man was prior informed by the Justice of God in the golden realms of the heaven of God's eternity.

But it is not the knowing soul, aware of its own truth, that carries out these indiscriminate attacks against our innocents, it is the unknowing, the unwilling or the willful - and of the three, only the latter deserve the full force of our military arms - in time, here on this inhabited earth and in the void of the angels, outside of this inhabited earth, the hosts of the LORD march unseen, arrayed and awaiting the command of the one Sovereign of all sacred life and the one Holy Sustainer of all universes, seen and unseen. Man upon his passing away from this world will pass through a cleansing of fire even before he or she is consumed by the fire of felicity and behold in his face the Love of God in eternity or the fire of ignominy and be forsook to the rage of Satan and all his demons and reprobates in hell. For the soul of man is grounds inviolable and must needs be proven - nor will our LORD reach out with His power - in order to condemn those who by their own sin have condemned themselves, for God does not condemn, sins condemn, God loves, creates, sustains, cherishes, preserves and fulfills - God restores, God liberates and God justifies - but condemnation does not come from our LORD, condemnation comes from the soul of man who by its willful sin have in its own universe replaced the one everliving Sustainer of all universes, seen and unseen, with an idol of stone.

The history of our LORD's actions in the world have always proven God to be a jealous God, and so our LORD is a jealous God - but only because God is a God of Love - just as much as to those who forsook Him, God shall become for them, their one single regret in hell - to those who embrace Him, God shall become for them, the fulfillment of all their wandering, and the realization of things beyond the pale of their most glorious imaginations - for to those who love Him with a love that is true, even despite of their misgivings, God guards jealously.

"Terrorism" is a symptom of a global pandemic - a paradigm of conflict, a spirit of devouring, a beast of War - this beast is a destroyer of nations - former angels entrusted with the care of communities, corrupted principalities who were one given the charge of nations entire who now burning with a relentless fire of an undying hatred for all living communities, human, animal or plant and all living communions (in exile time), human and angelic and/or human and divine (grace) - but since the stewardship of mankind is the key to our inhabited earth, it shall be the nations - as instruments of human stewardship of God's visible creation - that shall be at the heart of their burning hatred - and so, I went back to the message at Fatima, for it was there were the signs were manifested - thus, no other signs shall be made manifest - only choice - choice and their consequence - the conclusion of Fatima should inform the souls of those who know - and the light of things meant for the benefit of other lights should inform the souls of those who must awaken to the firmament - as the numberless stars of our Father Abraham who with the righteous souls of the world are commissioned by necessity of the times - therefore by Divine Providence - to establish and preserve the order of the one family of the nations of mankind. And shield the people of the world from the looming threat of War that shall surely arrive as like an illness, it is already manifesting its symptoms - of which "terrorism" is but one.

Even for the secular minded person, the utility of the nations as shelter and solace from the hostile darkness of the unknown earth must hold some promise - and so this is a matter not for the exclusive concern of religions, this is a human issue and so therefore, the consequences also shall bear its necessary weight of evils against human realities - but it is here where the application of religion draws its greatest nobility - for the honor of all religions rely on their ability to contribute to the improvement of the state of man in exile time and there has never been a time where this is possible but now - most especially for the numberless stars of our Father Abraham who now lies at the threshold of a choice whether to remain in the darkness of the past with war or turn away from the darkness of the past and begin now the honorable striving for peace, in the Name of the LORD, on behalf of our shared humanity, and in defense of the one family of the nations of mankind.

O numberless Stars of Father Abraham, know you now that the honor of our one God is entrusted to our hope and our ability to deliver on this promise shall have significant bearing on the lasting shape of things to come. Time to redeem from the darkness of the past, our sense of direction, and turn away from the darkness of this midnight world, let us complete our remembrances of the one peace, bring forward our hopes into the now and advance together with faith eastwards, into the dawn, unto the LORD, unto the one whole one.
---<--@

You see, my Miyang, some things that I do, I do not because I know why but because I must, because I care, because I love.

I have work again tonight. What I love about my work is the satisfaction of knowing that I've helped someone connect to someone - its always so nice to know that I've helped make someone happier - even for just a little bit. Also, it is good to feel the satisfaction of work - it is good to earn from something that gives you satisfaction. I know we both jive on our viewpoints as regards to work - my problems with drugs at times affect my work like in my last work - but that is a separate issue, my darlingest, from the ethics that we both believe in.

Of course, we can't always be the same, my darlingest - what makes you unique enriches me and what sets me apart from you only makes you more beautiful for just being yourself - I know you completely disagree with the bad things I do - like my drug abuse - but I also completely agree with your disagreement - drugs are bad - its that you've stayed with me for this long that really mystifies me - there are numberless people, all of them belonging to this stretch of time and this sense of place, that have come and gone, but you stayed, my darlingest, you stayed and made all of my dreaming possible - probable - you stayed and I became a better person, closer to God and closer to God's creation, you stayed and I never again was afraid to love, or be hurt because of love - the world will never know how much I love you, my darlingest.

Tomorrow is the first Sunday of Advent, my darlingest. I have a commitment on my blog to do some meditations about the meaning of the Christmas season - my goal is to renew in people's hearts, the hope of the season - renew it by giving them a perspective on time and remebrance, first - I have written it out already and just need to proof read it tomorrow.

Also, my darlingest, the world right now is in a financial crisis - of course, I care about this, too. But this, too, is symptomatic of the same problem - I have thought about the financial crisis and since I never talk about money, I really did not have a viewpoint and so I had to acquire one - you see, money to me is a by-product and not a product, I know - because of you, my darlingest, to strive for happiness - and money is a by-product of this striving. Now, I am not a rich person in terms of money, my darlingest, and I admit the financial world does not interest me as much as the immaterial world but I have realized these two realms form one human reality and this is a peculiarity that is proper only to our being human.

Our stewardship as human beings extend to both seen and unseen realms that for our own being as a whole appear to our total sense of awareness to form one seamless reality - but they are not really seamless - our experience of time, its flow and our movements herein, form a boundary that separates our physical existence with our spiritual existence in the soul - these two halves that make our being whole makes us human only insofar as this experience of reality is peculiar to our awareness - where the soul and the body separated, either the soul or the body can be said to be a complete human being - we were created to inhabit this specific reality which is our habitation and that is the whole of the visible universe AND the universes within each and every human soul - one should never think that the soul is anything close to the properties and limits that our bodies have - our souls are not human bodies nor are they created in the shape of human bodies nor are they contained within the body as if imprisoned - these lines of thinking directly impacts the way in which the soul is made manifest to the reality of itself because these faculties of realization belongs to and is proper not to the body but to the soul.

Having said all of that, the financial crisis - something I once thought was furthest from the problem, I have now realized to be another symptom of the same problem - you see, War and the spirit that animates it thrives on opposition for reasons we already know - another thing about War is that it has its center of gravity in the spiritual realms, therefore, the soul of man, not informed of its own reality - neither shielded nor aided by the power of God - is vulnerable to think itself into void - it would think it does not exist where in fact, it is itself thinking of itself - a soul turned into the darkness like this means that the awareness of the human being in the reality of our habitation is aware only of the physical dimension of the totality which comprise the whole of the human habitation which was from our creation intended for our growth and maturation in God, in each other and with the angels in their own realm - now, after the fall of Lucifer and his hosts, the angelic realm is the void of angels, a source of conflict - and the human soul exists in the void of angels - bear in mind the timeless nature of the finite and the infinite - that the infinite realms of the heaven of God's eternity is distinct from the timeless but finite realms originally intended as the natural habitation of the angels - which after the fall of Lucifer - is become the void of angels - in our human reality, this is manifest each moment we are tempted in our souls - by sources other than physical or corporeal - the war in heaven finds neither location nor bearing here in our own reality, it is where it manifests action - therefore, were a soul unaware of this, its guidance of the whole human person would leave the physical dimension vulnerable to the entrance of evils that are not proper to this place. Such have wars thrived and entire nations been annihilated, but the past is such that it leads us to the reality of present things - and bearing in mind that time itself is an instrument of God - free from evils that find its origin in the void and entrance in the heart of man, we may certainly trust to our sacred remembrances to lead us to the truth of things and that time itself shall soon reveal for us the purpose for which time is begun. Of this, we can be absolutely sure - time will end and all who are good, who love the good and belong to the good, will be well enough for it. That should give firm anchor to our hope that evil though the days may be, evil is proper only to itself, neither time nor good things, neither our sacred dead nor the souls of those who are good have their belongings with evil - we only have to keep ourselves separate, keep true to our own good, be thankful for the good, recognize the good in others and know where to defend and when to defend the life of our shared humanity - for the ultimate defeat of evil itself and of war itself can only be effected by the power of Almighty God, our labor is for each other and for each other's good as complete individuals, wholes upon wholes, from our families, to our communities, to our nations, to our local regions, to our regions, to our continents, and to our one planetary whole - we shall labor now a labor hope and shed our tears not for ourselves but for those who are yet without hope, we shall labor to establish for this world, the one family of the nations of mankind - for the sake of those generations to come. Only in this way shall the evils symptomatic of the problem be arrested and the wrath of evil days to come be deflected - by our dreaming together, as the numberless Stars of our Father Abraham, and as the one family of the nations of mankind.
---<--@

I love you, my Miyang. I'm going to rest now. I still have to work later on tonight.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081128

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

Some of my own thoughts right now, my darlingest - I would like to be able to finish so much things, my darlingest, but ever as my soul is quick, my body is really getting tired. I've been driving my body really hard the past several days, you see, I so truly want to accomplish the hopes I have set out in writing with you, to put this drug habit back into permanent recovery, to start working on other aspects of my life and also to get my finances back into good order. Oh, and I should like to do some Christmas shopping, also. Yes, its good to want to have some material things, it feels nice to desire them but, to me, my love, it doesn't feel as nice to be able to buy them - unless I really, really like them - but there are few things now that I really, really like that I can think of.

Let me tell you about my drug addiction, my love. And I'm just going to be brief or it will take us hours. OK, I picked this up from peer pressure while I was in my freshman years in my first college - that was also about the time my mom and my dad decided to call it quits and so they split. You know, I was at that time, around 18 or 19 and I did not have a sense that I was doing anything wrong - right and wrong - at the time, were concepts that I have not yet learned. I wasn't a bad kid, I just had a bad formation, my concept of sin and virtue, good and bad, right and wrong, were non-existent. All things felt like they were either near or close to me depending on how it made me feel, and nothing was a separate reality from myself - yet, I had an initial resistance to drugs given the things I've seen and heard growing up, and I did not have any inclination whatsoever to even go near that stuff - but then, this guy who we met introduced us, me and my friends, and it was going to be a one time thing for me, but this guy was already way into the habit and coaxed me into taking more - I remember, I was going to hand wash my clothes just after waking up from a nice rest and he offered me some - to make it easier - and while I was happy to hand wash my laundry the way I want to do it, I remember I agreed just to shut him up because it made me feel bad. Now, that memory is here with me not to haunt me but as a lesson learned because I have been very observant with my own feelings using drugs, pornography, perversity, lust and I am not saying that these things are justified but I know that one day, if I endure long enough, God will turn my weaknesses into strengths, or I shall never be rid of them - but I shall never agree that they are good nor will I make provision to accommodate these things into my patterns of living - this is why I get into so much trouble with some of my last work, because I can never reconcile in my life evil with good - drugs with work - and I do not make room in advance so that when evil things happen such as a relapse, I barely have time to adjust. Well, I'd rather lose my job than admit that evil things have hope in them and that I should hope for things to get better by mixing evil with good, good with evil and call it all lukewarm gray. Never.

Just like you, my love, I am an observer of myself, I know my own interior landscapes, have my own dreams, and live my own life according to my potential and hope not according to my own limits but according to the limitlessness of the sky above.

My soul is not something that my body contains, it is not something constrained by the limits of my physical dimensions, nor is my soul in the form of any other human body, I perceive my soul to contain my body and more - it is in my heart an expansive universe and it stretches near and far, from deep and light, it contains my physical body but also fades away into vistas outside and beyond the limits of my own body. It is the last thing that one should do, to imagine his or her soul small as to be contained by the physical confines of a universe that is not the real universe that is native to any human soul. In here, my love, we dream together, in here, I pray, I aspire, I ascend, I weep, I hope, I suffer, I suffer, I suffer, I suffer, because things that normally would not move the heart of others would affect mine, I feel hurt for the suffering of many souls, I feel hurt for the suffering of our nations, I feel hurt for the suffering of our Lord's poor, I feel hurt most especially about the suffering of Jews, Christians and Muslims, I feel hurt about the way I know our humanity has been deceived by the Devil into war, I feel hurt about the way I know our nations have been by the beast of war deceived, our peoples led into countless tears born of countless strife, but just the same, my love, out of these hurts, I feel hope. I see the beauty of the most everyday looking thing and perceive with thanks the tiniest goodness from everyday souls and believe in our humanity enough to hope for those things that I never have opportunity to discuss with other people, because I have proven time and time and time and time and time again that they have no interest in what interests me and when they show some interest, it is only because they are being kind. I feel my sins and my hurt is that I know, I know, my love, I know. If I really draw deep down in me, I'll cry. I love you, my darlingest, because I do, I just do and I know many times you have endeavored to love me back - I am aware of when things speak to me of something deeper than the surface image or when events tell me of things more than what the external reality shows - I know you loved me back, my dear darlingest. I know that I can be with you, my Miyang, and you'd understand what is in my heart. I can joke with you, laugh with you, play around with thoughts on our heads, call you cute names and never feel a tinge of impurities that sometime accompany those times when I play around with other women over here. You keep it clean, my darlingest, the way I want it, and you are ever so patient so as to sit with me even in the deepest, darkest days when things are really terrible. I can never be the way I am with you with the established Saints who are also particular to me, to my Mama Mary, to my own angel, Caritas, and to Saint Michael - most especially my Lord. That's why I am mostly almost always with you. But of course, there are times when we must go into the presence of the others, but during those times, I only feel who it is I am supposed to feel, if its Mama Mary, its only her, if its Blessed Jacinta, its only her, if its Saint Maximilian, its only him, I seem to be able to have a sense of connection only one at a time, which is guess is good - it would be really confusing to have more than one, I think. And these things, my love, are near enough just to stay unreal and unfounded - all these things require my faith to be active - because I could easily just as well dismiss them all as fantasy but my faith informs me in a way that only faith can that these are real and that their reality have their foundation in the reality of my LORD. Everything returns to God in my thoughts and so sometimes, I just believe God is and that is all and it completely fills me up, I learned this in prayer before and it works every time.

Having said all of that, my love, look at me, I am just sad at the way some things in my life is going but I accept them and never complain. I remember, I doubted your love one time about some months ago, because I thought that were you bodily present here in this time and place, you would not chose me as one of your friends - for reasons of my sins - well, that didn't sit well in my soul and for hours I was conflicted - then I heard that song from Tina Arena, "If I Didn't Love You", about the part that "you worked so damn hard to want to give up now." And everything cleared up, and I realized I was silly to say such things - how could I risk our friendship when it is this friendship that allows me to return time and again to the beautiful in things - you know where my thoughts lead me to go sometimes, my love, and if I did not have grounding in you and in the beautiful for being beheld by Beauty Itself, I who am prone to despair, by myself, shall return to that dark pit from where I lose myself wallowing in the greys and blacks of my life and forget that there are other colors besides sadness. Your starlight smile, my darlingest, returns me to the colors of life. And you hope for the same hopes I have, I have thought about why I have the hopes I have now when there was a time in my life that it was inconceivable for me to hope for anything or for anyone else but myself. I thought you protected my own hope from despair because remarkably at that time, I who was so prone to wallow in despair, had acquired a buoyant and indefatigable sense of hope - then I realized, having learned about the Communion of Saints, that the immaterial sharing of virtues was the hallmark of the one Communion - now I know, my love that the hope that keeps me from failing is not my own but yours, I have been given your own hope and other hopes of other souls, the hope of some Saints, the hope of nations, and of course, the Peace of my Lord, Jesus Christ, which is the hope of my Savior Himself. Why? Because nobody wanted them which is why our world is plagued by so much despair. There is so much hope in the void - outside of the void - around our world that remain unclaimed and ignored that these hopes seem to cry out -
our LORD hears this like He heard Abel call from the ground and so I have thought much about hope and have learned much about it from our LORD. And I should that I be able to transmit all of this into writing but some of them are really hard to put down specially when no human words accompany what in my heart needs human expression.

There is nothing really that I would love than to see our world and our nations and our peoples of the one family of mankind come into better times, as their improvement is my improvement also, what benefits those good - and those who are trying to be good (like me, sometimes) - people benefits me, to see peace in the Middle East, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Central Asia, South America, Africa, Europe and around the world, but most especially in Asia - most especially here in my own Philippines, brings peace to me also, it makes me happy to see the actions of our LORD's Providence at work in the prayers of so many people. This financial crisis also makes me think about the nameless souls who have been affected by forces outside of their sphere of control and beyond the reach of their influence. So I do what I can when I can, I pray, I write all of what I feel and do all I can do, and then I hope that hope with Jesus and smile that smile with you.

Thanks, my darlingest, that outpouring of things felt cathartic, I really said so much there, huh. Well, my darlingest, I hope that one day, people will realize that which all of this is about, I guess its all about hope - but you see, its also about peace and love - its about a balance of things, a one whole new perspective - simple in its truth but not so when the apprehension of it is opposed by so much complex lies, misconceptions, prejudices, error and ignorance that goes back to the time of Abel - significantly perhaps, around the age cf classical Greece, at the battle of marathon - which is to me, the first significant battle of ancient times, pivotal in preserving democracy - or not - and onward into those many wars that have not only caused so much untold bloodshed but also have effects on the spiritual realms and the unseen aspects of human reality - you see, these battles teach object lessons that when taught through the prism of war favors sides and favors outcomes that are inevitable anyway because the only outcome after a battle is the inevitable outcome - therefore, we shall never know the good or the bad effects of battles outside the tactical and the operational levels for which methods can draw from the wisdom of victories past. But the lessons that the soul of man must learn shall always be lost with those who have fallen, from all sides and from all times and places, except for those who are so utterly dishonorable in their conduct as to make even their own memory so absolutely revolting, all those soldiers who were lost to the one family of our nations, from all times and places tells a story of a world afire with a blood lust that can not be accounted for by just the brokenness of our wounded human natures, sin makes it so that there are some conflicts that shall be inevitable and must be fought but the crescendo from the last 100 years of the last millennium was such that the pattern of our wars follow not the woundedness of man but the rage of the ancient enemy of both God and man - and so it shall only increase in viciousness and appetite if we were not to listen to what the exhaustion and the fatigue of the human spirit that even our one whole planet is giving voice - there is much restlessness, despair, and uncertainty among the nameless of our nations, of course, I wish I was wrong and that we are not faced with anything but another ordinary course of 1000 years, but - the enemy of the nations, not Satan but some of his greatest demons whose charge it is to make war on whole nations - the beast of war, has left by their activity clues that we can discern - for the hosts of Satan are where they work - having no locality here in our visible universe, we know them by the patterns they leave in time and the wanton and incomprehensible devastation that they cause - little things like, the inclination of secularism to behave in a way that is hostile to the religious establishment, separation of Church and State never once mentioned hostility, only distinction and separation of influence - but not friction and never opposition; the fundamental need to oppose something to derive a sense of meaningfulness that is present in many things and in various degrees, is a spirit that is absent from the original order of our creation - truths stand on their own merit and require neither to oppose nor be opposed to be anything less or anything more meaningful than itself - but half-truths and lies require brute opposition to acquire a sense of meaningfulness that is comprehensible to the human soul - lest the soul do not see in lies and half-truths any kind of utility, it musts that these things constantly prey on the purity and meaningfulness of other truths - and if by themselves these pollute the unseen aspects of human living, what more if this pollution is driven by wicked intelligences that far outmatch the greatest of our human heroes; these evil angels have not the hope that humanity possess but what they do have is time, they can sit it out for tens, scores, hundred of years, here and there planting these things that are alien to our original order in God's creation. Time is an instrument of our LORD, and so time is not static, we are constantly on the move in our souls, aridity and dryness in prayer are never without their own reasons in time, something I still have to learn - time will climax, my precious friend, and where this climax draw near - the assaults of the enemies of our nations and the enemies of our souls will intensify - but when time shall end, I do not know - all I know is that our nations and our peoples need to rest and for this, we must recognize the things that keep us restless and reacquire the things that are proper to our own peace.

But let me say that fear is not the reason why all of this is happening - or why I am saying all of this, perish the illusion of the fear mongering scoundrels who spread fear by the same things I find myself saying, I am not saying this to cause fear, I am saying this so that we may overcome our fear and work for those things that we need to work for - and I don't care what your religion is - or who you are - or the color of your eyes or skin - as long as you have hope in your heart, peace in your mind and good will in your stride, you're ok, we're ok - I'm not here to convert anybody nor to criticize or judge anybody's own progress with God, I am here because I care and so I need to be here - but honestly sometimes I don't know, I just do what needs to be done.

All of that is the human being in me speaking, I can speak the way my Christian heart speaks as well but the peace that I hold belong to all the nations of the one family of nations and so, I have to learn to ascend to the unity of our LORD and speak from realities that are able to embrace all of us at times and all the while, of course, remain true to my own faith and my own Mother Church. I have come to terms with the oneness and uniqueness of our LORD and consider the revelation of the Holy Trinity to be the principal reason why God is manifestly one - they form and inform part of the same reality in my mind and heart - and so identify with Muslims and Jews without feeling anything less or anything more than what I feel - I say one LORD and feel it to be true without hypocrisy and syncretism. I do not need to feel reassured by constantly reinforcing what makes me different from my Abrahamic siblings, I am confident enough of my own Christianity to ascend to the oneness of our LORD. And this - sense of completeness in the oneness and the triune natures of Christian revelation as one reality - is at the core of Ascendant Concentration which is the teaching method I am preparing for the one Solidarity. Because the establishment of the Abrahamic peace between the three great Abrahamic faiths is paramount to securing rest and restoration of the peace for all of our nations of the one family of the nations of mankind. Why? Not because I say so, but because it was promised by God to our Father Abraham.

All of these things that are meant to improve our nations and our lives, remember, improve me - so know that where we are all doing the work together, we all benefit from each others' good - most especially as nations - and what war does to one, war does to all.

It would take time to bring to effect the greater things that are the result of our simple turning away from war but for those of us who attain to the ascent, this simple turning away would become more meaningful the longer one remain in his or her heart with the truth of those things.

Do not take my word for it, by the way, go ahead and check it all out - meditate on it and pray about all of I have written here today - make your own informed decision about these things - inform your faith and empower your reason - do not just take all of these things without first thinking about them and then praying about them - if they belong to you, they will remain with you but they will never remain if you don't make them your own through your own prayer and meditation. Think, my dearest companion, think - but do not think so hard about it, the kind of thinking I suggest does not involve too much exertion - like a calculus problem - no, just relax and think about a thought as if you were in the stillness of a space that is devoid of all things but you and your thoughts with God - silent and yet not empty - practice, practice, practice. On second thought, stop thinking, - imbibe the hope - understand the pain - own the cause - and feel it all in your heart with God - both ways work. Or you can find your own way - peace, my love.

And so, my darlingest, I am glad that we had this chat. I've actually spaced out and was writing as if to somebody else but you, my love. Perhaps, I shall re-read them all on a later time, I really wrote much to you today, my Miyang.

Now, its time to rest. I love you, my Miyang.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081127

Dearest Miyang Marie,

Last night was trying, I went to work with little rest - a consequence of those recent sins of drug abuse - but it all went well, my love. I prayed my Rosary with Mama Mary and of course, I knew you came along, also. You kept me, my dear darlingest, the grace that saw me through, it was all you.

Now, I am committed - for all the love that I felt - to closing the door to this relapse with discipline and will over the coming days. I want to get my finances back in order, my dear darlingest - especially for next year when I plan to settle all the debts that I owe from family and with HSBC.

At the same time, I want to make little improvements on my wardrobe and also on some other things - perhaps do some aikido in a dojo somewhere. Also, I want to get Christmas present for some people. All of these require that I re-establish my sense of temperance back in my life so that temperance may establish its own order upon the material forces that make good my labor and align my possessions towards more worthwhile things. And so drug addiction must go into permanent recovery, my darlingest, and I am hopeful, too, that we shall with God's grace be able to do this - hopeful that this time, it shall be for good.

Of course, I need to go to confession - my sacramental life is vital to my overall spiritual health - I need to return to my Lord in Holy Communion, I've been tearing up every time I go to Mass seeing all those people receive my most loving Jesus while I go hungry. Also, my first Saturday mass obligation to Mama Mary is coming up again this December - I want to complete that five month requirement hopefully before my next schedule change. I've been barely going by with just Sunday masses and without the Eucharist, too.

Why did I go for close to five months without confession, my love, I don't really know if it was the right thing to do but having to summon up the right sense of contrition and those set resolutions with the Holy Spirit over and over and over made me feel as if I was offending God more if I go to confession just for the sake of knowing that I have gone to confession and that I have a clean conscience, I want to form and inform commitment on a gut level and never have to feel like I am going into any kind of sacramental contract with my most loving Savior, my Capital grace, half-baked and unconvinced that I shall be able to do with the grace He merited for me - at such a cost - what He intends for me. There are risks, of course, but I never did feel like I was shunning the sacraments, I was just being careful in the discernment of my intentions, especially about my own sacramental life with God - for the accounting of these, I am very much aware. And I will not, I will never, make void the Precious Blood that gave me new life.

Over the past few days, I felt love, my darlingest, and love is to be responded to with love - and so I shall with hopes refreshed, do this - for the Kingdom - for the LORD - knowing that in the one Communion, my good bring joy to all just as my sin bring sorrow to all - and the same with everybody - sancta sanctis - that is what its all about. And you, my dear darlingest, as you have always done, saw me through it all.

I love you, my dear, darlingest Annelies Marie.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081124

Dear darlingest Miyang,

You know, my love, another thing that I don't really talk about much with you is the ever present threat of financial ruin that vice presents. In my case, the drug addiction, if I think about it has cost me a lot of financial pain. You know, my darlingest, that my focus on the things of the heart takes greater significance over these things precisely because it is here where the root of the problem is found. To be able to stand up to the temptation here means that everywhere else in my life - including my financial health - will become better for it. But I do gripe right now, the financial impact, of the things I have done and these are real damages that I must face, my love. But you know, our good LORD has been good enough to hold me back from sin enough so that I don't fall headlong into an abyss from which I can no longer recover. The hope is always real with me that things ARE amenable to change for the better. This by itself is a blessing.

I love you, my darlingest.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081122

Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

I have had some time to rest now and think about the recent things I have done. I have prayed my rosary and gone to the Saturday afternoon anticipated Mass and have thought some things out.

Drugs. Methamphetamine is a scourge. I should like with God's help to one day be able to overcome this addiction like I overcame with God's help my cigarette smoking and then use what I have to help guide other people out. I am not justifying the drug abuse, darlingest, but since mending fences is part of penance, it is just right. But I can not do this while I am yet unable to cope with this addiction.

Our bond is a great help. But Jesus wants me to call on His Name when evil thoughts arise, as a preventive means. I just sometimes don't have the clarity enough at the moment the choice is made in my will to know for sure when the hope is there - at the calm before every choice. This with regards to drug addiction really bothers me because once my will is over run, my darlingest, I become totally committed. You my darlingest, of course, shall always be there to make things beautiful for me.

The drugs lead to other vices, primarily lust. It is one of my main adversaries. When I am overtaken by it, more than the drugs, my darlingest, I am anguished. But the line that demarcates the two are indistinct as one vice mesh with the other like a lie and another lie don't make two lies - it never makes sense. But the pain is real and so is the captivity, my love. And while I know that these things are things that no longer belong to me, as I can not break them unless I learn the lessons that our LORD is trying to teach me, the only good thing to do is to limit the damage to myself. I shall never lead any soul into these things who are not already here.

I do drugs but will never add to the addict population that I know is in varying degrees of need. I will never approve of pornography and its perverse forms and much more, fornication and impure relations with other hearts. I shall find my own means to quash lust and at times even choose lesser things, evil still, as masturbation, to deny or delay the thunderous charge of greater temptations. But in all of these, I must learn to call on Jesus Christ, for I know my Lord and He knows me - I just need to find that moment so my Savior can help me master this hope.

I shall never accept the lie that evil things can be good and become caught up in a seasonless existence - like a lie within a lie. That is why I cry, my darlingest, I love and I know and I need. There is also temptation to accept the lie but I should lose all of you, but my darlingest, with just you alone, when I really sit down and meditate on the value of the gift of you, I am so staggered and where I to actually take in all the gifts that I am conscious of, I would die of joy - because I can not contain it all. I would never bow my allegiance to any other Sovereign than the one LORD Who rule our hearts together. And I would that I have been this way in my youth that I may not have all of these vices that I now am aware choke the life of my soul. But to accept the status quo and to build on the truth of things in the now, being present as much as possible here, my love, is meritorious because one can not live looking back nor can one be absent when the call to arrive is issued from the Kingdom of our LORD. I can not also live on dreams but must be able to live within them, as I do with you, that one day soon - in God's time - all of these moments together shall be the waking world for all of us, and all of this darkness shall fade and flee.

I have been given a way of saying the rosary, one of hope - I call it the Rosary of Hope and this Rosary founds me and grounds me upon things familiar when there rages these many storms within me. It is another thing that I shall be able to use and I shall improve on it as soon as I learn where and how to build upon it.

Lastly, my darlingest, the hope of our world - of mankind that you wanted to serve so much in your life, I feel it, too. It may all seem overwhelming where I to hope with just my hope, my love. But there are many hopes together here, unclaimed and misunderstood, their silent presence drowned in the rattle and hum of the constant battles, within and without, that have set this midnight world on fire. But the Peace of Jesus Christ can not be overcome by those who understand its hope.

Something I still yet have to many times contemplate on, which is also a part of my Rosary of Hope.

I sat down one morning some days ago at work and was glad to get a station that was facing a window and I saw this huge rainbow arc across the sky, it was so great that I could only see part of its arc. This was our LORD's reminder to the patriarch Noah, His Bow.

My love, many are the things that mankind, including myself - for I belong to the one human race, is able to hope for - so many, in fact, that the soul of man refuses some for others - and that is all well and good if the hope is not false - but where one to love and be able to do so with a love that is like a longing for Itself, one love - one finds each of those hopes that are worthwhile to have and to hold unto the shores of forever. Hopes that at the crossing, become the dreams we
dream today - because one would have discovered what is beautiful in the beautiful for being by Beauty beheld - our LORD, our one God alone - Beauty Itself.

I love you, my dear darlingest Annelies Marie.

Always to always,

Pusing

20081122

Darlingest Miyang,

I don't understand anymore, why at times, I am unable to be consistently happy, far away from the temptations of those things that cause me much anguish. It does not take much to make me happy, only the knowledge that I can stand with you and not be ashamed of myself; that I can pray to our LORD without withering at the thought of things I have done. I do know that the mercy of God is boundless, my darlingest, but limited is the time I have to work for His delight and I must not consume all of my days without bearing for my Lord the fruits of my repentance.

I do what I can but, my darlingest, important to me as well is my interior belongings with all of you and I would that I shall one day have them both. I work for the hope that I have that I know was given me because my own hopes have long ago failed me. The hope of peace in our times and the hope of my own soul are two different things that converge into all the things that I love in God, as you, my darlingest and this love is quite near, so near that for me to go far away does not mean I have to travel, it does not have to be a place, my darlingest, it can also be a time, a moment, a moment spent with you and with all those angels and saints who are particular to me, my Mama Mary, my Lord, Jesus and all of you. There are a lot of good people here in our world, my darlingest, it is also for them that I shall persist and from all this good, I draw solace. In evil times, it is a light to me. And my darlingest, I need it. When answers escape me, the answers are all of you. My own problems seem a trifle when I look to the virtue of others for I know the Intention that have placed that grace into their hearts and this Intention is what connects us.

And so today, my darlingest, I shall be content with the thought that for as long as I hope, we are connected, for as long as I dream good dreams, even in these times when I fall into those familiar sins, for as long as I accept my lack, I shall remain absolutely repentant and unwilling to accept that these sins shall defeat me, my darlingest.

My Lord Christ knows in His heart my anguish and I know that He shall one day break these cycles and so what I must never do is to lose hope, and I am indeed, blessed with much help in this regard, you alone, my darlingest - though I wish sometimes I could text you and you'd text me back - profoundly affects me. But I would that I would soon be able to master the in the moment of temptation this hope that it may become for me a way out instead of a way back.

I love you, my darlingest Annelies Marie.
---<--@

Always to always,

Pusing