Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,
I've had some sleep now, my darlingest. I feel relieved the more normal things get with me.
With my drug abuse, my darlingest - you know, I am not happy about any of my relapses - I just want to let you know, my love. My mood is brilliant when I know that I am sober and pure in heart and mind - but my darlingest, with drugs, with methamphetamine, I feel at the least somber, sometimes, I feel completely disgusted, sometimes I feel so isolated, but deep inside of me there is always this feeling that I would kick myself in the behind if I could - stupid. stupid. stupid. I observe myself, and when I do write about things in my heart, I know that these are separate things - there is an indivisible wall that separates what is evil and what is good in my soul and they never mix together. I do not have good desires because of evil things nor am I motivated to attain to the good because of the evil that I see, my darlingest.
I do not like to write about things going on around myself but my darlingest, sometimes, I just wish I could disappear into our place in M31 and just be there with you. Nobody understands me, my love, nobody here understands me - sometimes I get told that I am stupid, crazy, weird, out-of-place, insane, because I am quite open about some of truths of my interior life like you - my darlingest, as I am a proud friend of yours, I tend to let people know - I guess they just tolerate me but sometimes I get told that its stupid, etc. I don't really care. My spirituality also - the fact that I am personal with Jesus and with Mama Mary, that I am intimate with the Intimate, all of these give me much reason to rejoice - especially when I am hurt or told bad things about the things I truly hold dear in my heart.
I love them, though, my darlingest. And if I could only make them feel what it feels like to have all of these - it would make them happier, I am certain, it would really rock their universe out. But I am also careful to obey the Gospel counsel to be careful about the sharing of spiritual gifts because there are some people who will be from indifferent to downright nasty about it. And so, my darlingest, most of my most significant thoughts I put down on my weblog - advertise them never - and let Providence act on them - so that if they are not in accords with the Divine will, they will not really get far - but if they are - then, God will do with me as He wills. But I do not put down all of my thoughts, my darlingest, there are some things I can never, ever put down - I wouldn't know how to or its too personal to be shared with anyone else. Like your promise to me, my love, there are some things which I will never put down - ever. But mostly, I can't put things down because they are not there - like this prayer I have for some time now wanted to write for Blessed Jacinta - you know how much I love Blessed Jacinta Marto, my darlingest, I really haven't spoken much about her but I've received feedback from my weblog sometime back saying that it would be nice to compose a litany for Jacinta - I agreed. I love litanies because they allow you to see details that allow you to become more familiar and therefore, more close to say, our Lord, Jesus Christ, or Mama Mary - but try as I might, the words won't come - I know the format of the prayer and I know the theme but the prayer just won't come.
Yang, you know, one of the biggest problems in this world of the present time where I am, is war. Maybe it would be more appropriate for me to capitalize the "w" and say "War" - in the proper term which signifies specificity.
In the lingo of the news media of our nations, this problem - or a symptom of it - is called, "terrorism". Right this very moment, there is a major incident in India, in Mumbai where some armed militants wreaked havoc by attacking hotels and indiscriminately targeting civilians. It is incomprehensible to the human soul, this kind of hatred - I know, my love, because I have a human soul and it does not understand it, absolutely has no place for it within itself - I personally know it is incomprehensible, and I know that millions feel the same way. I know you do, my darlingest, having yourself suffered much, my darlingest, I remember how I was so very, very careful about many things with you way back when our hearts were new to each other - we had to discover for ourselves the things we are familiar with in each other today - and of course, God in His own time, works to purify and concentrate the love in our friendship and I can say now that we have gone really far - yes, I can more clearly understand the line of the Tina Arena song just now, my darlingest Miyang Marie, we have gone - well, not far, but have grown closer quite significantly, huh? It's true.
Well, anyway, I do not like the word, "terrorism", my love, because it masks the real threat - War - is the problem - War with a capital W. Terrorist actions that indiscriminately inflict violent force against civilian targets for various reasons, not one of them military - is an offense not only to the sensibilities of the human soul, by extension, we could easily say that this offense extends also to the holy angels - who are custodians of sacred life - to the Saints of God whose hopes on earth remain with the dreaming of the people - and the our LORD Himself to Whom all sacred life on the inhabited earth completely belongs to - all animals, all plants and most especially, every individual human being who has ever walked, is walking, or shall ever walk this world - belong to our LORD - life here, I have always maintained, is a probation in love, an exile from love, a confession of love, a witness to love and is therefore, possessed by no one but God Who IS LOVE. It does not take a lot of effort for me to know how offended our LORD is when all these things happen - if it can affect human souls who in their finite natures carry in it an infinite capacity to love and to be loved, imagine the infinite nature of God, how our LORD feels, how our God must feel. Just because our LORD chooses to be quiet for a season doesn't mean He doesn't feel these things, and just because God is quiet does not mean things like murder, especially the murder of our innocents, is ever, ever, ever right or even remotely permissible - for all things that apply itself here from the Wisdom of our LORD in eternity, apply at all times, apply in all places - and are as changeless and immovable as the Truth where which these laws draw potent issue, and as such derive their active and constant ability to promulgate itself within the soul of the human being for if the soul of man knows these things to be offensive, it is because man was prior informed by the Justice of God in the golden realms of the heaven of God's eternity.
But it is not the knowing soul, aware of its own truth, that carries out these indiscriminate attacks against our innocents, it is the unknowing, the unwilling or the willful - and of the three, only the latter deserve the full force of our military arms - in time, here on this inhabited earth and in the void of the angels, outside of this inhabited earth, the hosts of the LORD march unseen, arrayed and awaiting the command of the one Sovereign of all sacred life and the one Holy Sustainer of all universes, seen and unseen. Man upon his passing away from this world will pass through a cleansing of fire even before he or she is consumed by the fire of felicity and behold in his face the Love of God in eternity or the fire of ignominy and be forsook to the rage of Satan and all his demons and reprobates in hell. For the soul of man is grounds inviolable and must needs be proven - nor will our LORD reach out with His power - in order to condemn those who by their own sin have condemned themselves, for God does not condemn, sins condemn, God loves, creates, sustains, cherishes, preserves and fulfills - God restores, God liberates and God justifies - but condemnation does not come from our LORD, condemnation comes from the soul of man who by its willful sin have in its own universe replaced the one everliving Sustainer of all universes, seen and unseen, with an idol of stone.
The history of our LORD's actions in the world have always proven God to be a jealous God, and so our LORD is a jealous God - but only because God is a God of Love - just as much as to those who forsook Him, God shall become for them, their one single regret in hell - to those who embrace Him, God shall become for them, the fulfillment of all their wandering, and the realization of things beyond the pale of their most glorious imaginations - for to those who love Him with a love that is true, even despite of their misgivings, God guards jealously.
"Terrorism" is a symptom of a global pandemic - a paradigm of conflict, a spirit of devouring, a beast of War - this beast is a destroyer of nations - former angels entrusted with the care of communities, corrupted principalities who were one given the charge of nations entire who now burning with a relentless fire of an undying hatred for all living communities, human, animal or plant and all living communions (in exile time), human and angelic and/or human and divine (grace) - but since the stewardship of mankind is the key to our inhabited earth, it shall be the nations - as instruments of human stewardship of God's visible creation - that shall be at the heart of their burning hatred - and so, I went back to the message at Fatima, for it was there were the signs were manifested - thus, no other signs shall be made manifest - only choice - choice and their consequence - the conclusion of Fatima should inform the souls of those who know - and the light of things meant for the benefit of other lights should inform the souls of those who must awaken to the firmament - as the numberless stars of our Father Abraham who with the righteous souls of the world are commissioned by necessity of the times - therefore by Divine Providence - to establish and preserve the order of the one family of the nations of mankind. And shield the people of the world from the looming threat of War that shall surely arrive as like an illness, it is already manifesting its symptoms - of which "terrorism" is but one.
Even for the secular minded person, the utility of the nations as shelter and solace from the hostile darkness of the unknown earth must hold some promise - and so this is a matter not for the exclusive concern of religions, this is a human issue and so therefore, the consequences also shall bear its necessary weight of evils against human realities - but it is here where the application of religion draws its greatest nobility - for the honor of all religions rely on their ability to contribute to the improvement of the state of man in exile time and there has never been a time where this is possible but now - most especially for the numberless stars of our Father Abraham who now lies at the threshold of a choice whether to remain in the darkness of the past with war or turn away from the darkness of the past and begin now the honorable striving for peace, in the Name of the LORD, on behalf of our shared humanity, and in defense of the one family of the nations of mankind.
O numberless Stars of Father Abraham, know you now that the honor of our one God is entrusted to our hope and our ability to deliver on this promise shall have significant bearing on the lasting shape of things to come. Time to redeem from the darkness of the past, our sense of direction, and turn away from the darkness of this midnight world, let us complete our remembrances of the one peace, bring forward our hopes into the now and advance together with faith eastwards, into the dawn, unto the LORD, unto the one whole one.
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You see, my Miyang, some things that I do, I do not because I know why but because I must, because I care, because I love.
I have work again tonight. What I love about my work is the satisfaction of knowing that I've helped someone connect to someone - its always so nice to know that I've helped make someone happier - even for just a little bit. Also, it is good to feel the satisfaction of work - it is good to earn from something that gives you satisfaction. I know we both jive on our viewpoints as regards to work - my problems with drugs at times affect my work like in my last work - but that is a separate issue, my darlingest, from the ethics that we both believe in.
Of course, we can't always be the same, my darlingest - what makes you unique enriches me and what sets me apart from you only makes you more beautiful for just being yourself - I know you completely disagree with the bad things I do - like my drug abuse - but I also completely agree with your disagreement - drugs are bad - its that you've stayed with me for this long that really mystifies me - there are numberless people, all of them belonging to this stretch of time and this sense of place, that have come and gone, but you stayed, my darlingest, you stayed and made all of my dreaming possible - probable - you stayed and I became a better person, closer to God and closer to God's creation, you stayed and I never again was afraid to love, or be hurt because of love - the world will never know how much I love you, my darlingest.
Tomorrow is the first Sunday of Advent, my darlingest. I have a commitment on my blog to do some meditations about the meaning of the Christmas season - my goal is to renew in people's hearts, the hope of the season - renew it by giving them a perspective on time and remebrance, first - I have written it out already and just need to proof read it tomorrow.
Also, my darlingest, the world right now is in a financial crisis - of course, I care about this, too. But this, too, is symptomatic of the same problem - I have thought about the financial crisis and since I never talk about money, I really did not have a viewpoint and so I had to acquire one - you see, money to me is a by-product and not a product, I know - because of you, my darlingest, to strive for happiness - and money is a by-product of this striving. Now, I am not a rich person in terms of money, my darlingest, and I admit the financial world does not interest me as much as the immaterial world but I have realized these two realms form one human reality and this is a peculiarity that is proper only to our being human.
Our stewardship as human beings extend to both seen and unseen realms that for our own being as a whole appear to our total sense of awareness to form one seamless reality - but they are not really seamless - our experience of time, its flow and our movements herein, form a boundary that separates our physical existence with our spiritual existence in the soul - these two halves that make our being whole makes us human only insofar as this experience of reality is peculiar to our awareness - where the soul and the body separated, either the soul or the body can be said to be a complete human being - we were created to inhabit this specific reality which is our habitation and that is the whole of the visible universe AND the universes within each and every human soul - one should never think that the soul is anything close to the properties and limits that our bodies have - our souls are not human bodies nor are they created in the shape of human bodies nor are they contained within the body as if imprisoned - these lines of thinking directly impacts the way in which the soul is made manifest to the reality of itself because these faculties of realization belongs to and is proper not to the body but to the soul.
Having said all of that, the financial crisis - something I once thought was furthest from the problem, I have now realized to be another symptom of the same problem - you see, War and the spirit that animates it thrives on opposition for reasons we already know - another thing about War is that it has its center of gravity in the spiritual realms, therefore, the soul of man, not informed of its own reality - neither shielded nor aided by the power of God - is vulnerable to think itself into void - it would think it does not exist where in fact, it is itself thinking of itself - a soul turned into the darkness like this means that the awareness of the human being in the reality of our habitation is aware only of the physical dimension of the totality which comprise the whole of the human habitation which was from our creation intended for our growth and maturation in God, in each other and with the angels in their own realm - now, after the fall of Lucifer and his hosts, the angelic realm is the void of angels, a source of conflict - and the human soul exists in the void of angels - bear in mind the timeless nature of the finite and the infinite - that the infinite realms of the heaven of God's eternity is distinct from the timeless but finite realms originally intended as the natural habitation of the angels - which after the fall of Lucifer - is become the void of angels - in our human reality, this is manifest each moment we are tempted in our souls - by sources other than physical or corporeal - the war in heaven finds neither location nor bearing here in our own reality, it is where it manifests action - therefore, were a soul unaware of this, its guidance of the whole human person would leave the physical dimension vulnerable to the entrance of evils that are not proper to this place. Such have wars thrived and entire nations been annihilated, but the past is such that it leads us to the reality of present things - and bearing in mind that time itself is an instrument of God - free from evils that find its origin in the void and entrance in the heart of man, we may certainly trust to our sacred remembrances to lead us to the truth of things and that time itself shall soon reveal for us the purpose for which time is begun. Of this, we can be absolutely sure - time will end and all who are good, who love the good and belong to the good, will be well enough for it. That should give firm anchor to our hope that evil though the days may be, evil is proper only to itself, neither time nor good things, neither our sacred dead nor the souls of those who are good have their belongings with evil - we only have to keep ourselves separate, keep true to our own good, be thankful for the good, recognize the good in others and know where to defend and when to defend the life of our shared humanity - for the ultimate defeat of evil itself and of war itself can only be effected by the power of Almighty God, our labor is for each other and for each other's good as complete individuals, wholes upon wholes, from our families, to our communities, to our nations, to our local regions, to our regions, to our continents, and to our one planetary whole - we shall labor now a labor hope and shed our tears not for ourselves but for those who are yet without hope, we shall labor to establish for this world, the one family of the nations of mankind - for the sake of those generations to come. Only in this way shall the evils symptomatic of the problem be arrested and the wrath of evil days to come be deflected - by our dreaming together, as the numberless Stars of our Father Abraham, and as the one family of the nations of mankind.
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I love you, my Miyang. I'm going to rest now. I still have to work later on tonight.
Always to always,
Pusing
Saturday, November 29, 2008
20081128
Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,
Some of my own thoughts right now, my darlingest - I would like to be able to finish so much things, my darlingest, but ever as my soul is quick, my body is really getting tired. I've been driving my body really hard the past several days, you see, I so truly want to accomplish the hopes I have set out in writing with you, to put this drug habit back into permanent recovery, to start working on other aspects of my life and also to get my finances back into good order. Oh, and I should like to do some Christmas shopping, also. Yes, its good to want to have some material things, it feels nice to desire them but, to me, my love, it doesn't feel as nice to be able to buy them - unless I really, really like them - but there are few things now that I really, really like that I can think of.
Let me tell you about my drug addiction, my love. And I'm just going to be brief or it will take us hours. OK, I picked this up from peer pressure while I was in my freshman years in my first college - that was also about the time my mom and my dad decided to call it quits and so they split. You know, I was at that time, around 18 or 19 and I did not have a sense that I was doing anything wrong - right and wrong - at the time, were concepts that I have not yet learned. I wasn't a bad kid, I just had a bad formation, my concept of sin and virtue, good and bad, right and wrong, were non-existent. All things felt like they were either near or close to me depending on how it made me feel, and nothing was a separate reality from myself - yet, I had an initial resistance to drugs given the things I've seen and heard growing up, and I did not have any inclination whatsoever to even go near that stuff - but then, this guy who we met introduced us, me and my friends, and it was going to be a one time thing for me, but this guy was already way into the habit and coaxed me into taking more - I remember, I was going to hand wash my clothes just after waking up from a nice rest and he offered me some - to make it easier - and while I was happy to hand wash my laundry the way I want to do it, I remember I agreed just to shut him up because it made me feel bad. Now, that memory is here with me not to haunt me but as a lesson learned because I have been very observant with my own feelings using drugs, pornography, perversity, lust and I am not saying that these things are justified but I know that one day, if I endure long enough, God will turn my weaknesses into strengths, or I shall never be rid of them - but I shall never agree that they are good nor will I make provision to accommodate these things into my patterns of living - this is why I get into so much trouble with some of my last work, because I can never reconcile in my life evil with good - drugs with work - and I do not make room in advance so that when evil things happen such as a relapse, I barely have time to adjust. Well, I'd rather lose my job than admit that evil things have hope in them and that I should hope for things to get better by mixing evil with good, good with evil and call it all lukewarm gray. Never.
Just like you, my love, I am an observer of myself, I know my own interior landscapes, have my own dreams, and live my own life according to my potential and hope not according to my own limits but according to the limitlessness of the sky above.
My soul is not something that my body contains, it is not something constrained by the limits of my physical dimensions, nor is my soul in the form of any other human body, I perceive my soul to contain my body and more - it is in my heart an expansive universe and it stretches near and far, from deep and light, it contains my physical body but also fades away into vistas outside and beyond the limits of my own body. It is the last thing that one should do, to imagine his or her soul small as to be contained by the physical confines of a universe that is not the real universe that is native to any human soul. In here, my love, we dream together, in here, I pray, I aspire, I ascend, I weep, I hope, I suffer, I suffer, I suffer, I suffer, because things that normally would not move the heart of others would affect mine, I feel hurt for the suffering of many souls, I feel hurt for the suffering of our nations, I feel hurt for the suffering of our Lord's poor, I feel hurt most especially about the suffering of Jews, Christians and Muslims, I feel hurt about the way I know our humanity has been deceived by the Devil into war, I feel hurt about the way I know our nations have been by the beast of war deceived, our peoples led into countless tears born of countless strife, but just the same, my love, out of these hurts, I feel hope. I see the beauty of the most everyday looking thing and perceive with thanks the tiniest goodness from everyday souls and believe in our humanity enough to hope for those things that I never have opportunity to discuss with other people, because I have proven time and time and time and time and time again that they have no interest in what interests me and when they show some interest, it is only because they are being kind. I feel my sins and my hurt is that I know, I know, my love, I know. If I really draw deep down in me, I'll cry. I love you, my darlingest, because I do, I just do and I know many times you have endeavored to love me back - I am aware of when things speak to me of something deeper than the surface image or when events tell me of things more than what the external reality shows - I know you loved me back, my dear darlingest. I know that I can be with you, my Miyang, and you'd understand what is in my heart. I can joke with you, laugh with you, play around with thoughts on our heads, call you cute names and never feel a tinge of impurities that sometime accompany those times when I play around with other women over here. You keep it clean, my darlingest, the way I want it, and you are ever so patient so as to sit with me even in the deepest, darkest days when things are really terrible. I can never be the way I am with you with the established Saints who are also particular to me, to my Mama Mary, to my own angel, Caritas, and to Saint Michael - most especially my Lord. That's why I am mostly almost always with you. But of course, there are times when we must go into the presence of the others, but during those times, I only feel who it is I am supposed to feel, if its Mama Mary, its only her, if its Blessed Jacinta, its only her, if its Saint Maximilian, its only him, I seem to be able to have a sense of connection only one at a time, which is guess is good - it would be really confusing to have more than one, I think. And these things, my love, are near enough just to stay unreal and unfounded - all these things require my faith to be active - because I could easily just as well dismiss them all as fantasy but my faith informs me in a way that only faith can that these are real and that their reality have their foundation in the reality of my LORD. Everything returns to God in my thoughts and so sometimes, I just believe God is and that is all and it completely fills me up, I learned this in prayer before and it works every time.
Having said all of that, my love, look at me, I am just sad at the way some things in my life is going but I accept them and never complain. I remember, I doubted your love one time about some months ago, because I thought that were you bodily present here in this time and place, you would not chose me as one of your friends - for reasons of my sins - well, that didn't sit well in my soul and for hours I was conflicted - then I heard that song from Tina Arena, "If I Didn't Love You", about the part that "you worked so damn hard to want to give up now." And everything cleared up, and I realized I was silly to say such things - how could I risk our friendship when it is this friendship that allows me to return time and again to the beautiful in things - you know where my thoughts lead me to go sometimes, my love, and if I did not have grounding in you and in the beautiful for being beheld by Beauty Itself, I who am prone to despair, by myself, shall return to that dark pit from where I lose myself wallowing in the greys and blacks of my life and forget that there are other colors besides sadness. Your starlight smile, my darlingest, returns me to the colors of life. And you hope for the same hopes I have, I have thought about why I have the hopes I have now when there was a time in my life that it was inconceivable for me to hope for anything or for anyone else but myself. I thought you protected my own hope from despair because remarkably at that time, I who was so prone to wallow in despair, had acquired a buoyant and indefatigable sense of hope - then I realized, having learned about the Communion of Saints, that the immaterial sharing of virtues was the hallmark of the one Communion - now I know, my love that the hope that keeps me from failing is not my own but yours, I have been given your own hope and other hopes of other souls, the hope of some Saints, the hope of nations, and of course, the Peace of my Lord, Jesus Christ, which is the hope of my Savior Himself. Why? Because nobody wanted them which is why our world is plagued by so much despair. There is so much hope in the void - outside of the void - around our world that remain unclaimed and ignored that these hopes seem to cry out -
our LORD hears this like He heard Abel call from the ground and so I have thought much about hope and have learned much about it from our LORD. And I should that I be able to transmit all of this into writing but some of them are really hard to put down specially when no human words accompany what in my heart needs human expression.
There is nothing really that I would love than to see our world and our nations and our peoples of the one family of mankind come into better times, as their improvement is my improvement also, what benefits those good - and those who are trying to be good (like me, sometimes) - people benefits me, to see peace in the Middle East, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Central Asia, South America, Africa, Europe and around the world, but most especially in Asia - most especially here in my own Philippines, brings peace to me also, it makes me happy to see the actions of our LORD's Providence at work in the prayers of so many people. This financial crisis also makes me think about the nameless souls who have been affected by forces outside of their sphere of control and beyond the reach of their influence. So I do what I can when I can, I pray, I write all of what I feel and do all I can do, and then I hope that hope with Jesus and smile that smile with you.
Thanks, my darlingest, that outpouring of things felt cathartic, I really said so much there, huh. Well, my darlingest, I hope that one day, people will realize that which all of this is about, I guess its all about hope - but you see, its also about peace and love - its about a balance of things, a one whole new perspective - simple in its truth but not so when the apprehension of it is opposed by so much complex lies, misconceptions, prejudices, error and ignorance that goes back to the time of Abel - significantly perhaps, around the age cf classical Greece, at the battle of marathon - which is to me, the first significant battle of ancient times, pivotal in preserving democracy - or not - and onward into those many wars that have not only caused so much untold bloodshed but also have effects on the spiritual realms and the unseen aspects of human reality - you see, these battles teach object lessons that when taught through the prism of war favors sides and favors outcomes that are inevitable anyway because the only outcome after a battle is the inevitable outcome - therefore, we shall never know the good or the bad effects of battles outside the tactical and the operational levels for which methods can draw from the wisdom of victories past. But the lessons that the soul of man must learn shall always be lost with those who have fallen, from all sides and from all times and places, except for those who are so utterly dishonorable in their conduct as to make even their own memory so absolutely revolting, all those soldiers who were lost to the one family of our nations, from all times and places tells a story of a world afire with a blood lust that can not be accounted for by just the brokenness of our wounded human natures, sin makes it so that there are some conflicts that shall be inevitable and must be fought but the crescendo from the last 100 years of the last millennium was such that the pattern of our wars follow not the woundedness of man but the rage of the ancient enemy of both God and man - and so it shall only increase in viciousness and appetite if we were not to listen to what the exhaustion and the fatigue of the human spirit that even our one whole planet is giving voice - there is much restlessness, despair, and uncertainty among the nameless of our nations, of course, I wish I was wrong and that we are not faced with anything but another ordinary course of 1000 years, but - the enemy of the nations, not Satan but some of his greatest demons whose charge it is to make war on whole nations - the beast of war, has left by their activity clues that we can discern - for the hosts of Satan are where they work - having no locality here in our visible universe, we know them by the patterns they leave in time and the wanton and incomprehensible devastation that they cause - little things like, the inclination of secularism to behave in a way that is hostile to the religious establishment, separation of Church and State never once mentioned hostility, only distinction and separation of influence - but not friction and never opposition; the fundamental need to oppose something to derive a sense of meaningfulness that is present in many things and in various degrees, is a spirit that is absent from the original order of our creation - truths stand on their own merit and require neither to oppose nor be opposed to be anything less or anything more meaningful than itself - but half-truths and lies require brute opposition to acquire a sense of meaningfulness that is comprehensible to the human soul - lest the soul do not see in lies and half-truths any kind of utility, it musts that these things constantly prey on the purity and meaningfulness of other truths - and if by themselves these pollute the unseen aspects of human living, what more if this pollution is driven by wicked intelligences that far outmatch the greatest of our human heroes; these evil angels have not the hope that humanity possess but what they do have is time, they can sit it out for tens, scores, hundred of years, here and there planting these things that are alien to our original order in God's creation. Time is an instrument of our LORD, and so time is not static, we are constantly on the move in our souls, aridity and dryness in prayer are never without their own reasons in time, something I still have to learn - time will climax, my precious friend, and where this climax draw near - the assaults of the enemies of our nations and the enemies of our souls will intensify - but when time shall end, I do not know - all I know is that our nations and our peoples need to rest and for this, we must recognize the things that keep us restless and reacquire the things that are proper to our own peace.
But let me say that fear is not the reason why all of this is happening - or why I am saying all of this, perish the illusion of the fear mongering scoundrels who spread fear by the same things I find myself saying, I am not saying this to cause fear, I am saying this so that we may overcome our fear and work for those things that we need to work for - and I don't care what your religion is - or who you are - or the color of your eyes or skin - as long as you have hope in your heart, peace in your mind and good will in your stride, you're ok, we're ok - I'm not here to convert anybody nor to criticize or judge anybody's own progress with God, I am here because I care and so I need to be here - but honestly sometimes I don't know, I just do what needs to be done.
All of that is the human being in me speaking, I can speak the way my Christian heart speaks as well but the peace that I hold belong to all the nations of the one family of nations and so, I have to learn to ascend to the unity of our LORD and speak from realities that are able to embrace all of us at times and all the while, of course, remain true to my own faith and my own Mother Church. I have come to terms with the oneness and uniqueness of our LORD and consider the revelation of the Holy Trinity to be the principal reason why God is manifestly one - they form and inform part of the same reality in my mind and heart - and so identify with Muslims and Jews without feeling anything less or anything more than what I feel - I say one LORD and feel it to be true without hypocrisy and syncretism. I do not need to feel reassured by constantly reinforcing what makes me different from my Abrahamic siblings, I am confident enough of my own Christianity to ascend to the oneness of our LORD. And this - sense of completeness in the oneness and the triune natures of Christian revelation as one reality - is at the core of Ascendant Concentration which is the teaching method I am preparing for the one Solidarity. Because the establishment of the Abrahamic peace between the three great Abrahamic faiths is paramount to securing rest and restoration of the peace for all of our nations of the one family of the nations of mankind. Why? Not because I say so, but because it was promised by God to our Father Abraham.
All of these things that are meant to improve our nations and our lives, remember, improve me - so know that where we are all doing the work together, we all benefit from each others' good - most especially as nations - and what war does to one, war does to all.
It would take time to bring to effect the greater things that are the result of our simple turning away from war but for those of us who attain to the ascent, this simple turning away would become more meaningful the longer one remain in his or her heart with the truth of those things.
Do not take my word for it, by the way, go ahead and check it all out - meditate on it and pray about all of I have written here today - make your own informed decision about these things - inform your faith and empower your reason - do not just take all of these things without first thinking about them and then praying about them - if they belong to you, they will remain with you but they will never remain if you don't make them your own through your own prayer and meditation. Think, my dearest companion, think - but do not think so hard about it, the kind of thinking I suggest does not involve too much exertion - like a calculus problem - no, just relax and think about a thought as if you were in the stillness of a space that is devoid of all things but you and your thoughts with God - silent and yet not empty - practice, practice, practice. On second thought, stop thinking, - imbibe the hope - understand the pain - own the cause - and feel it all in your heart with God - both ways work. Or you can find your own way - peace, my love.
And so, my darlingest, I am glad that we had this chat. I've actually spaced out and was writing as if to somebody else but you, my love. Perhaps, I shall re-read them all on a later time, I really wrote much to you today, my Miyang.
Now, its time to rest. I love you, my Miyang.
Always to always,
Pusing
Some of my own thoughts right now, my darlingest - I would like to be able to finish so much things, my darlingest, but ever as my soul is quick, my body is really getting tired. I've been driving my body really hard the past several days, you see, I so truly want to accomplish the hopes I have set out in writing with you, to put this drug habit back into permanent recovery, to start working on other aspects of my life and also to get my finances back into good order. Oh, and I should like to do some Christmas shopping, also. Yes, its good to want to have some material things, it feels nice to desire them but, to me, my love, it doesn't feel as nice to be able to buy them - unless I really, really like them - but there are few things now that I really, really like that I can think of.
Let me tell you about my drug addiction, my love. And I'm just going to be brief or it will take us hours. OK, I picked this up from peer pressure while I was in my freshman years in my first college - that was also about the time my mom and my dad decided to call it quits and so they split. You know, I was at that time, around 18 or 19 and I did not have a sense that I was doing anything wrong - right and wrong - at the time, were concepts that I have not yet learned. I wasn't a bad kid, I just had a bad formation, my concept of sin and virtue, good and bad, right and wrong, were non-existent. All things felt like they were either near or close to me depending on how it made me feel, and nothing was a separate reality from myself - yet, I had an initial resistance to drugs given the things I've seen and heard growing up, and I did not have any inclination whatsoever to even go near that stuff - but then, this guy who we met introduced us, me and my friends, and it was going to be a one time thing for me, but this guy was already way into the habit and coaxed me into taking more - I remember, I was going to hand wash my clothes just after waking up from a nice rest and he offered me some - to make it easier - and while I was happy to hand wash my laundry the way I want to do it, I remember I agreed just to shut him up because it made me feel bad. Now, that memory is here with me not to haunt me but as a lesson learned because I have been very observant with my own feelings using drugs, pornography, perversity, lust and I am not saying that these things are justified but I know that one day, if I endure long enough, God will turn my weaknesses into strengths, or I shall never be rid of them - but I shall never agree that they are good nor will I make provision to accommodate these things into my patterns of living - this is why I get into so much trouble with some of my last work, because I can never reconcile in my life evil with good - drugs with work - and I do not make room in advance so that when evil things happen such as a relapse, I barely have time to adjust. Well, I'd rather lose my job than admit that evil things have hope in them and that I should hope for things to get better by mixing evil with good, good with evil and call it all lukewarm gray. Never.
Just like you, my love, I am an observer of myself, I know my own interior landscapes, have my own dreams, and live my own life according to my potential and hope not according to my own limits but according to the limitlessness of the sky above.
My soul is not something that my body contains, it is not something constrained by the limits of my physical dimensions, nor is my soul in the form of any other human body, I perceive my soul to contain my body and more - it is in my heart an expansive universe and it stretches near and far, from deep and light, it contains my physical body but also fades away into vistas outside and beyond the limits of my own body. It is the last thing that one should do, to imagine his or her soul small as to be contained by the physical confines of a universe that is not the real universe that is native to any human soul. In here, my love, we dream together, in here, I pray, I aspire, I ascend, I weep, I hope, I suffer, I suffer, I suffer, I suffer, because things that normally would not move the heart of others would affect mine, I feel hurt for the suffering of many souls, I feel hurt for the suffering of our nations, I feel hurt for the suffering of our Lord's poor, I feel hurt most especially about the suffering of Jews, Christians and Muslims, I feel hurt about the way I know our humanity has been deceived by the Devil into war, I feel hurt about the way I know our nations have been by the beast of war deceived, our peoples led into countless tears born of countless strife, but just the same, my love, out of these hurts, I feel hope. I see the beauty of the most everyday looking thing and perceive with thanks the tiniest goodness from everyday souls and believe in our humanity enough to hope for those things that I never have opportunity to discuss with other people, because I have proven time and time and time and time and time again that they have no interest in what interests me and when they show some interest, it is only because they are being kind. I feel my sins and my hurt is that I know, I know, my love, I know. If I really draw deep down in me, I'll cry. I love you, my darlingest, because I do, I just do and I know many times you have endeavored to love me back - I am aware of when things speak to me of something deeper than the surface image or when events tell me of things more than what the external reality shows - I know you loved me back, my dear darlingest. I know that I can be with you, my Miyang, and you'd understand what is in my heart. I can joke with you, laugh with you, play around with thoughts on our heads, call you cute names and never feel a tinge of impurities that sometime accompany those times when I play around with other women over here. You keep it clean, my darlingest, the way I want it, and you are ever so patient so as to sit with me even in the deepest, darkest days when things are really terrible. I can never be the way I am with you with the established Saints who are also particular to me, to my Mama Mary, to my own angel, Caritas, and to Saint Michael - most especially my Lord. That's why I am mostly almost always with you. But of course, there are times when we must go into the presence of the others, but during those times, I only feel who it is I am supposed to feel, if its Mama Mary, its only her, if its Blessed Jacinta, its only her, if its Saint Maximilian, its only him, I seem to be able to have a sense of connection only one at a time, which is guess is good - it would be really confusing to have more than one, I think. And these things, my love, are near enough just to stay unreal and unfounded - all these things require my faith to be active - because I could easily just as well dismiss them all as fantasy but my faith informs me in a way that only faith can that these are real and that their reality have their foundation in the reality of my LORD. Everything returns to God in my thoughts and so sometimes, I just believe God is and that is all and it completely fills me up, I learned this in prayer before and it works every time.
Having said all of that, my love, look at me, I am just sad at the way some things in my life is going but I accept them and never complain. I remember, I doubted your love one time about some months ago, because I thought that were you bodily present here in this time and place, you would not chose me as one of your friends - for reasons of my sins - well, that didn't sit well in my soul and for hours I was conflicted - then I heard that song from Tina Arena, "If I Didn't Love You", about the part that "you worked so damn hard to want to give up now." And everything cleared up, and I realized I was silly to say such things - how could I risk our friendship when it is this friendship that allows me to return time and again to the beautiful in things - you know where my thoughts lead me to go sometimes, my love, and if I did not have grounding in you and in the beautiful for being beheld by Beauty Itself, I who am prone to despair, by myself, shall return to that dark pit from where I lose myself wallowing in the greys and blacks of my life and forget that there are other colors besides sadness. Your starlight smile, my darlingest, returns me to the colors of life. And you hope for the same hopes I have, I have thought about why I have the hopes I have now when there was a time in my life that it was inconceivable for me to hope for anything or for anyone else but myself. I thought you protected my own hope from despair because remarkably at that time, I who was so prone to wallow in despair, had acquired a buoyant and indefatigable sense of hope - then I realized, having learned about the Communion of Saints, that the immaterial sharing of virtues was the hallmark of the one Communion - now I know, my love that the hope that keeps me from failing is not my own but yours, I have been given your own hope and other hopes of other souls, the hope of some Saints, the hope of nations, and of course, the Peace of my Lord, Jesus Christ, which is the hope of my Savior Himself. Why? Because nobody wanted them which is why our world is plagued by so much despair. There is so much hope in the void - outside of the void - around our world that remain unclaimed and ignored that these hopes seem to cry out -
our LORD hears this like He heard Abel call from the ground and so I have thought much about hope and have learned much about it from our LORD. And I should that I be able to transmit all of this into writing but some of them are really hard to put down specially when no human words accompany what in my heart needs human expression.
There is nothing really that I would love than to see our world and our nations and our peoples of the one family of mankind come into better times, as their improvement is my improvement also, what benefits those good - and those who are trying to be good (like me, sometimes) - people benefits me, to see peace in the Middle East, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Central Asia, South America, Africa, Europe and around the world, but most especially in Asia - most especially here in my own Philippines, brings peace to me also, it makes me happy to see the actions of our LORD's Providence at work in the prayers of so many people. This financial crisis also makes me think about the nameless souls who have been affected by forces outside of their sphere of control and beyond the reach of their influence. So I do what I can when I can, I pray, I write all of what I feel and do all I can do, and then I hope that hope with Jesus and smile that smile with you.
Thanks, my darlingest, that outpouring of things felt cathartic, I really said so much there, huh. Well, my darlingest, I hope that one day, people will realize that which all of this is about, I guess its all about hope - but you see, its also about peace and love - its about a balance of things, a one whole new perspective - simple in its truth but not so when the apprehension of it is opposed by so much complex lies, misconceptions, prejudices, error and ignorance that goes back to the time of Abel - significantly perhaps, around the age cf classical Greece, at the battle of marathon - which is to me, the first significant battle of ancient times, pivotal in preserving democracy - or not - and onward into those many wars that have not only caused so much untold bloodshed but also have effects on the spiritual realms and the unseen aspects of human reality - you see, these battles teach object lessons that when taught through the prism of war favors sides and favors outcomes that are inevitable anyway because the only outcome after a battle is the inevitable outcome - therefore, we shall never know the good or the bad effects of battles outside the tactical and the operational levels for which methods can draw from the wisdom of victories past. But the lessons that the soul of man must learn shall always be lost with those who have fallen, from all sides and from all times and places, except for those who are so utterly dishonorable in their conduct as to make even their own memory so absolutely revolting, all those soldiers who were lost to the one family of our nations, from all times and places tells a story of a world afire with a blood lust that can not be accounted for by just the brokenness of our wounded human natures, sin makes it so that there are some conflicts that shall be inevitable and must be fought but the crescendo from the last 100 years of the last millennium was such that the pattern of our wars follow not the woundedness of man but the rage of the ancient enemy of both God and man - and so it shall only increase in viciousness and appetite if we were not to listen to what the exhaustion and the fatigue of the human spirit that even our one whole planet is giving voice - there is much restlessness, despair, and uncertainty among the nameless of our nations, of course, I wish I was wrong and that we are not faced with anything but another ordinary course of 1000 years, but - the enemy of the nations, not Satan but some of his greatest demons whose charge it is to make war on whole nations - the beast of war, has left by their activity clues that we can discern - for the hosts of Satan are where they work - having no locality here in our visible universe, we know them by the patterns they leave in time and the wanton and incomprehensible devastation that they cause - little things like, the inclination of secularism to behave in a way that is hostile to the religious establishment, separation of Church and State never once mentioned hostility, only distinction and separation of influence - but not friction and never opposition; the fundamental need to oppose something to derive a sense of meaningfulness that is present in many things and in various degrees, is a spirit that is absent from the original order of our creation - truths stand on their own merit and require neither to oppose nor be opposed to be anything less or anything more meaningful than itself - but half-truths and lies require brute opposition to acquire a sense of meaningfulness that is comprehensible to the human soul - lest the soul do not see in lies and half-truths any kind of utility, it musts that these things constantly prey on the purity and meaningfulness of other truths - and if by themselves these pollute the unseen aspects of human living, what more if this pollution is driven by wicked intelligences that far outmatch the greatest of our human heroes; these evil angels have not the hope that humanity possess but what they do have is time, they can sit it out for tens, scores, hundred of years, here and there planting these things that are alien to our original order in God's creation. Time is an instrument of our LORD, and so time is not static, we are constantly on the move in our souls, aridity and dryness in prayer are never without their own reasons in time, something I still have to learn - time will climax, my precious friend, and where this climax draw near - the assaults of the enemies of our nations and the enemies of our souls will intensify - but when time shall end, I do not know - all I know is that our nations and our peoples need to rest and for this, we must recognize the things that keep us restless and reacquire the things that are proper to our own peace.
But let me say that fear is not the reason why all of this is happening - or why I am saying all of this, perish the illusion of the fear mongering scoundrels who spread fear by the same things I find myself saying, I am not saying this to cause fear, I am saying this so that we may overcome our fear and work for those things that we need to work for - and I don't care what your religion is - or who you are - or the color of your eyes or skin - as long as you have hope in your heart, peace in your mind and good will in your stride, you're ok, we're ok - I'm not here to convert anybody nor to criticize or judge anybody's own progress with God, I am here because I care and so I need to be here - but honestly sometimes I don't know, I just do what needs to be done.
All of that is the human being in me speaking, I can speak the way my Christian heart speaks as well but the peace that I hold belong to all the nations of the one family of nations and so, I have to learn to ascend to the unity of our LORD and speak from realities that are able to embrace all of us at times and all the while, of course, remain true to my own faith and my own Mother Church. I have come to terms with the oneness and uniqueness of our LORD and consider the revelation of the Holy Trinity to be the principal reason why God is manifestly one - they form and inform part of the same reality in my mind and heart - and so identify with Muslims and Jews without feeling anything less or anything more than what I feel - I say one LORD and feel it to be true without hypocrisy and syncretism. I do not need to feel reassured by constantly reinforcing what makes me different from my Abrahamic siblings, I am confident enough of my own Christianity to ascend to the oneness of our LORD. And this - sense of completeness in the oneness and the triune natures of Christian revelation as one reality - is at the core of Ascendant Concentration which is the teaching method I am preparing for the one Solidarity. Because the establishment of the Abrahamic peace between the three great Abrahamic faiths is paramount to securing rest and restoration of the peace for all of our nations of the one family of the nations of mankind. Why? Not because I say so, but because it was promised by God to our Father Abraham.
All of these things that are meant to improve our nations and our lives, remember, improve me - so know that where we are all doing the work together, we all benefit from each others' good - most especially as nations - and what war does to one, war does to all.
It would take time to bring to effect the greater things that are the result of our simple turning away from war but for those of us who attain to the ascent, this simple turning away would become more meaningful the longer one remain in his or her heart with the truth of those things.
Do not take my word for it, by the way, go ahead and check it all out - meditate on it and pray about all of I have written here today - make your own informed decision about these things - inform your faith and empower your reason - do not just take all of these things without first thinking about them and then praying about them - if they belong to you, they will remain with you but they will never remain if you don't make them your own through your own prayer and meditation. Think, my dearest companion, think - but do not think so hard about it, the kind of thinking I suggest does not involve too much exertion - like a calculus problem - no, just relax and think about a thought as if you were in the stillness of a space that is devoid of all things but you and your thoughts with God - silent and yet not empty - practice, practice, practice. On second thought, stop thinking, - imbibe the hope - understand the pain - own the cause - and feel it all in your heart with God - both ways work. Or you can find your own way - peace, my love.
And so, my darlingest, I am glad that we had this chat. I've actually spaced out and was writing as if to somebody else but you, my love. Perhaps, I shall re-read them all on a later time, I really wrote much to you today, my Miyang.
Now, its time to rest. I love you, my Miyang.
Always to always,
Pusing
Thursday, November 27, 2008
20081127
Dearest Miyang Marie,
Last night was trying, I went to work with little rest - a consequence of those recent sins of drug abuse - but it all went well, my love. I prayed my Rosary with Mama Mary and of course, I knew you came along, also. You kept me, my dear darlingest, the grace that saw me through, it was all you.
Now, I am committed - for all the love that I felt - to closing the door to this relapse with discipline and will over the coming days. I want to get my finances back in order, my dear darlingest - especially for next year when I plan to settle all the debts that I owe from family and with HSBC.
At the same time, I want to make little improvements on my wardrobe and also on some other things - perhaps do some aikido in a dojo somewhere. Also, I want to get Christmas present for some people. All of these require that I re-establish my sense of temperance back in my life so that temperance may establish its own order upon the material forces that make good my labor and align my possessions towards more worthwhile things. And so drug addiction must go into permanent recovery, my darlingest, and I am hopeful, too, that we shall with God's grace be able to do this - hopeful that this time, it shall be for good.
Of course, I need to go to confession - my sacramental life is vital to my overall spiritual health - I need to return to my Lord in Holy Communion, I've been tearing up every time I go to Mass seeing all those people receive my most loving Jesus while I go hungry. Also, my first Saturday mass obligation to Mama Mary is coming up again this December - I want to complete that five month requirement hopefully before my next schedule change. I've been barely going by with just Sunday masses and without the Eucharist, too.
Why did I go for close to five months without confession, my love, I don't really know if it was the right thing to do but having to summon up the right sense of contrition and those set resolutions with the Holy Spirit over and over and over made me feel as if I was offending God more if I go to confession just for the sake of knowing that I have gone to confession and that I have a clean conscience, I want to form and inform commitment on a gut level and never have to feel like I am going into any kind of sacramental contract with my most loving Savior, my Capital grace, half-baked and unconvinced that I shall be able to do with the grace He merited for me - at such a cost - what He intends for me. There are risks, of course, but I never did feel like I was shunning the sacraments, I was just being careful in the discernment of my intentions, especially about my own sacramental life with God - for the accounting of these, I am very much aware. And I will not, I will never, make void the Precious Blood that gave me new life.
Over the past few days, I felt love, my darlingest, and love is to be responded to with love - and so I shall with hopes refreshed, do this - for the Kingdom - for the LORD - knowing that in the one Communion, my good bring joy to all just as my sin bring sorrow to all - and the same with everybody - sancta sanctis - that is what its all about. And you, my dear darlingest, as you have always done, saw me through it all.
I love you, my dear, darlingest Annelies Marie.
Always to always,
Pusing
Last night was trying, I went to work with little rest - a consequence of those recent sins of drug abuse - but it all went well, my love. I prayed my Rosary with Mama Mary and of course, I knew you came along, also. You kept me, my dear darlingest, the grace that saw me through, it was all you.
Now, I am committed - for all the love that I felt - to closing the door to this relapse with discipline and will over the coming days. I want to get my finances back in order, my dear darlingest - especially for next year when I plan to settle all the debts that I owe from family and with HSBC.
At the same time, I want to make little improvements on my wardrobe and also on some other things - perhaps do some aikido in a dojo somewhere. Also, I want to get Christmas present for some people. All of these require that I re-establish my sense of temperance back in my life so that temperance may establish its own order upon the material forces that make good my labor and align my possessions towards more worthwhile things. And so drug addiction must go into permanent recovery, my darlingest, and I am hopeful, too, that we shall with God's grace be able to do this - hopeful that this time, it shall be for good.
Of course, I need to go to confession - my sacramental life is vital to my overall spiritual health - I need to return to my Lord in Holy Communion, I've been tearing up every time I go to Mass seeing all those people receive my most loving Jesus while I go hungry. Also, my first Saturday mass obligation to Mama Mary is coming up again this December - I want to complete that five month requirement hopefully before my next schedule change. I've been barely going by with just Sunday masses and without the Eucharist, too.
Why did I go for close to five months without confession, my love, I don't really know if it was the right thing to do but having to summon up the right sense of contrition and those set resolutions with the Holy Spirit over and over and over made me feel as if I was offending God more if I go to confession just for the sake of knowing that I have gone to confession and that I have a clean conscience, I want to form and inform commitment on a gut level and never have to feel like I am going into any kind of sacramental contract with my most loving Savior, my Capital grace, half-baked and unconvinced that I shall be able to do with the grace He merited for me - at such a cost - what He intends for me. There are risks, of course, but I never did feel like I was shunning the sacraments, I was just being careful in the discernment of my intentions, especially about my own sacramental life with God - for the accounting of these, I am very much aware. And I will not, I will never, make void the Precious Blood that gave me new life.
Over the past few days, I felt love, my darlingest, and love is to be responded to with love - and so I shall with hopes refreshed, do this - for the Kingdom - for the LORD - knowing that in the one Communion, my good bring joy to all just as my sin bring sorrow to all - and the same with everybody - sancta sanctis - that is what its all about. And you, my dear darlingest, as you have always done, saw me through it all.
I love you, my dear, darlingest Annelies Marie.
Always to always,
Pusing
Monday, November 24, 2008
20081124
Dear darlingest Miyang,
You know, my love, another thing that I don't really talk about much with you is the ever present threat of financial ruin that vice presents. In my case, the drug addiction, if I think about it has cost me a lot of financial pain. You know, my darlingest, that my focus on the things of the heart takes greater significance over these things precisely because it is here where the root of the problem is found. To be able to stand up to the temptation here means that everywhere else in my life - including my financial health - will become better for it. But I do gripe right now, the financial impact, of the things I have done and these are real damages that I must face, my love. But you know, our good LORD has been good enough to hold me back from sin enough so that I don't fall headlong into an abyss from which I can no longer recover. The hope is always real with me that things ARE amenable to change for the better. This by itself is a blessing.
I love you, my darlingest.
Always to always,
Pusing
You know, my love, another thing that I don't really talk about much with you is the ever present threat of financial ruin that vice presents. In my case, the drug addiction, if I think about it has cost me a lot of financial pain. You know, my darlingest, that my focus on the things of the heart takes greater significance over these things precisely because it is here where the root of the problem is found. To be able to stand up to the temptation here means that everywhere else in my life - including my financial health - will become better for it. But I do gripe right now, the financial impact, of the things I have done and these are real damages that I must face, my love. But you know, our good LORD has been good enough to hold me back from sin enough so that I don't fall headlong into an abyss from which I can no longer recover. The hope is always real with me that things ARE amenable to change for the better. This by itself is a blessing.
I love you, my darlingest.
Always to always,
Pusing
Saturday, November 22, 2008
20081122
Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,
I have had some time to rest now and think about the recent things I have done. I have prayed my rosary and gone to the Saturday afternoon anticipated Mass and have thought some things out.
Drugs. Methamphetamine is a scourge. I should like with God's help to one day be able to overcome this addiction like I overcame with God's help my cigarette smoking and then use what I have to help guide other people out. I am not justifying the drug abuse, darlingest, but since mending fences is part of penance, it is just right. But I can not do this while I am yet unable to cope with this addiction.
Our bond is a great help. But Jesus wants me to call on His Name when evil thoughts arise, as a preventive means. I just sometimes don't have the clarity enough at the moment the choice is made in my will to know for sure when the hope is there - at the calm before every choice. This with regards to drug addiction really bothers me because once my will is over run, my darlingest, I become totally committed. You my darlingest, of course, shall always be there to make things beautiful for me.
The drugs lead to other vices, primarily lust. It is one of my main adversaries. When I am overtaken by it, more than the drugs, my darlingest, I am anguished. But the line that demarcates the two are indistinct as one vice mesh with the other like a lie and another lie don't make two lies - it never makes sense. But the pain is real and so is the captivity, my love. And while I know that these things are things that no longer belong to me, as I can not break them unless I learn the lessons that our LORD is trying to teach me, the only good thing to do is to limit the damage to myself. I shall never lead any soul into these things who are not already here.
I do drugs but will never add to the addict population that I know is in varying degrees of need. I will never approve of pornography and its perverse forms and much more, fornication and impure relations with other hearts. I shall find my own means to quash lust and at times even choose lesser things, evil still, as masturbation, to deny or delay the thunderous charge of greater temptations. But in all of these, I must learn to call on Jesus Christ, for I know my Lord and He knows me - I just need to find that moment so my Savior can help me master this hope.
I shall never accept the lie that evil things can be good and become caught up in a seasonless existence - like a lie within a lie. That is why I cry, my darlingest, I love and I know and I need. There is also temptation to accept the lie but I should lose all of you, but my darlingest, with just you alone, when I really sit down and meditate on the value of the gift of you, I am so staggered and where I to actually take in all the gifts that I am conscious of, I would die of joy - because I can not contain it all. I would never bow my allegiance to any other Sovereign than the one LORD Who rule our hearts together. And I would that I have been this way in my youth that I may not have all of these vices that I now am aware choke the life of my soul. But to accept the status quo and to build on the truth of things in the now, being present as much as possible here, my love, is meritorious because one can not live looking back nor can one be absent when the call to arrive is issued from the Kingdom of our LORD. I can not also live on dreams but must be able to live within them, as I do with you, that one day soon - in God's time - all of these moments together shall be the waking world for all of us, and all of this darkness shall fade and flee.
I have been given a way of saying the rosary, one of hope - I call it the Rosary of Hope and this Rosary founds me and grounds me upon things familiar when there rages these many storms within me. It is another thing that I shall be able to use and I shall improve on it as soon as I learn where and how to build upon it.
Lastly, my darlingest, the hope of our world - of mankind that you wanted to serve so much in your life, I feel it, too. It may all seem overwhelming where I to hope with just my hope, my love. But there are many hopes together here, unclaimed and misunderstood, their silent presence drowned in the rattle and hum of the constant battles, within and without, that have set this midnight world on fire. But the Peace of Jesus Christ can not be overcome by those who understand its hope.
Something I still yet have to many times contemplate on, which is also a part of my Rosary of Hope.
I sat down one morning some days ago at work and was glad to get a station that was facing a window and I saw this huge rainbow arc across the sky, it was so great that I could only see part of its arc. This was our LORD's reminder to the patriarch Noah, His Bow.
My love, many are the things that mankind, including myself - for I belong to the one human race, is able to hope for - so many, in fact, that the soul of man refuses some for others - and that is all well and good if the hope is not false - but where one to love and be able to do so with a love that is like a longing for Itself, one love - one finds each of those hopes that are worthwhile to have and to hold unto the shores of forever. Hopes that at the crossing, become the dreams we
dream today - because one would have discovered what is beautiful in the beautiful for being by Beauty beheld - our LORD, our one God alone - Beauty Itself.
I love you, my dear darlingest Annelies Marie.
Always to always,
Pusing
I have had some time to rest now and think about the recent things I have done. I have prayed my rosary and gone to the Saturday afternoon anticipated Mass and have thought some things out.
Drugs. Methamphetamine is a scourge. I should like with God's help to one day be able to overcome this addiction like I overcame with God's help my cigarette smoking and then use what I have to help guide other people out. I am not justifying the drug abuse, darlingest, but since mending fences is part of penance, it is just right. But I can not do this while I am yet unable to cope with this addiction.
Our bond is a great help. But Jesus wants me to call on His Name when evil thoughts arise, as a preventive means. I just sometimes don't have the clarity enough at the moment the choice is made in my will to know for sure when the hope is there - at the calm before every choice. This with regards to drug addiction really bothers me because once my will is over run, my darlingest, I become totally committed. You my darlingest, of course, shall always be there to make things beautiful for me.
The drugs lead to other vices, primarily lust. It is one of my main adversaries. When I am overtaken by it, more than the drugs, my darlingest, I am anguished. But the line that demarcates the two are indistinct as one vice mesh with the other like a lie and another lie don't make two lies - it never makes sense. But the pain is real and so is the captivity, my love. And while I know that these things are things that no longer belong to me, as I can not break them unless I learn the lessons that our LORD is trying to teach me, the only good thing to do is to limit the damage to myself. I shall never lead any soul into these things who are not already here.
I do drugs but will never add to the addict population that I know is in varying degrees of need. I will never approve of pornography and its perverse forms and much more, fornication and impure relations with other hearts. I shall find my own means to quash lust and at times even choose lesser things, evil still, as masturbation, to deny or delay the thunderous charge of greater temptations. But in all of these, I must learn to call on Jesus Christ, for I know my Lord and He knows me - I just need to find that moment so my Savior can help me master this hope.
I shall never accept the lie that evil things can be good and become caught up in a seasonless existence - like a lie within a lie. That is why I cry, my darlingest, I love and I know and I need. There is also temptation to accept the lie but I should lose all of you, but my darlingest, with just you alone, when I really sit down and meditate on the value of the gift of you, I am so staggered and where I to actually take in all the gifts that I am conscious of, I would die of joy - because I can not contain it all. I would never bow my allegiance to any other Sovereign than the one LORD Who rule our hearts together. And I would that I have been this way in my youth that I may not have all of these vices that I now am aware choke the life of my soul. But to accept the status quo and to build on the truth of things in the now, being present as much as possible here, my love, is meritorious because one can not live looking back nor can one be absent when the call to arrive is issued from the Kingdom of our LORD. I can not also live on dreams but must be able to live within them, as I do with you, that one day soon - in God's time - all of these moments together shall be the waking world for all of us, and all of this darkness shall fade and flee.
I have been given a way of saying the rosary, one of hope - I call it the Rosary of Hope and this Rosary founds me and grounds me upon things familiar when there rages these many storms within me. It is another thing that I shall be able to use and I shall improve on it as soon as I learn where and how to build upon it.
Lastly, my darlingest, the hope of our world - of mankind that you wanted to serve so much in your life, I feel it, too. It may all seem overwhelming where I to hope with just my hope, my love. But there are many hopes together here, unclaimed and misunderstood, their silent presence drowned in the rattle and hum of the constant battles, within and without, that have set this midnight world on fire. But the Peace of Jesus Christ can not be overcome by those who understand its hope.
Something I still yet have to many times contemplate on, which is also a part of my Rosary of Hope.
I sat down one morning some days ago at work and was glad to get a station that was facing a window and I saw this huge rainbow arc across the sky, it was so great that I could only see part of its arc. This was our LORD's reminder to the patriarch Noah, His Bow.
My love, many are the things that mankind, including myself - for I belong to the one human race, is able to hope for - so many, in fact, that the soul of man refuses some for others - and that is all well and good if the hope is not false - but where one to love and be able to do so with a love that is like a longing for Itself, one love - one finds each of those hopes that are worthwhile to have and to hold unto the shores of forever. Hopes that at the crossing, become the dreams we
dream today - because one would have discovered what is beautiful in the beautiful for being by Beauty beheld - our LORD, our one God alone - Beauty Itself.
I love you, my dear darlingest Annelies Marie.
Always to always,
Pusing
20081122
Darlingest Miyang,
I don't understand anymore, why at times, I am unable to be consistently happy, far away from the temptations of those things that cause me much anguish. It does not take much to make me happy, only the knowledge that I can stand with you and not be ashamed of myself; that I can pray to our LORD without withering at the thought of things I have done. I do know that the mercy of God is boundless, my darlingest, but limited is the time I have to work for His delight and I must not consume all of my days without bearing for my Lord the fruits of my repentance.
I do what I can but, my darlingest, important to me as well is my interior belongings with all of you and I would that I shall one day have them both. I work for the hope that I have that I know was given me because my own hopes have long ago failed me. The hope of peace in our times and the hope of my own soul are two different things that converge into all the things that I love in God, as you, my darlingest and this love is quite near, so near that for me to go far away does not mean I have to travel, it does not have to be a place, my darlingest, it can also be a time, a moment, a moment spent with you and with all those angels and saints who are particular to me, my Mama Mary, my Lord, Jesus and all of you. There are a lot of good people here in our world, my darlingest, it is also for them that I shall persist and from all this good, I draw solace. In evil times, it is a light to me. And my darlingest, I need it. When answers escape me, the answers are all of you. My own problems seem a trifle when I look to the virtue of others for I know the Intention that have placed that grace into their hearts and this Intention is what connects us.
And so today, my darlingest, I shall be content with the thought that for as long as I hope, we are connected, for as long as I dream good dreams, even in these times when I fall into those familiar sins, for as long as I accept my lack, I shall remain absolutely repentant and unwilling to accept that these sins shall defeat me, my darlingest.
My Lord Christ knows in His heart my anguish and I know that He shall one day break these cycles and so what I must never do is to lose hope, and I am indeed, blessed with much help in this regard, you alone, my darlingest - though I wish sometimes I could text you and you'd text me back - profoundly affects me. But I would that I would soon be able to master the in the moment of temptation this hope that it may become for me a way out instead of a way back.
I love you, my darlingest Annelies Marie.
---<--@
Always to always,
Pusing
I don't understand anymore, why at times, I am unable to be consistently happy, far away from the temptations of those things that cause me much anguish. It does not take much to make me happy, only the knowledge that I can stand with you and not be ashamed of myself; that I can pray to our LORD without withering at the thought of things I have done. I do know that the mercy of God is boundless, my darlingest, but limited is the time I have to work for His delight and I must not consume all of my days without bearing for my Lord the fruits of my repentance.
I do what I can but, my darlingest, important to me as well is my interior belongings with all of you and I would that I shall one day have them both. I work for the hope that I have that I know was given me because my own hopes have long ago failed me. The hope of peace in our times and the hope of my own soul are two different things that converge into all the things that I love in God, as you, my darlingest and this love is quite near, so near that for me to go far away does not mean I have to travel, it does not have to be a place, my darlingest, it can also be a time, a moment, a moment spent with you and with all those angels and saints who are particular to me, my Mama Mary, my Lord, Jesus and all of you. There are a lot of good people here in our world, my darlingest, it is also for them that I shall persist and from all this good, I draw solace. In evil times, it is a light to me. And my darlingest, I need it. When answers escape me, the answers are all of you. My own problems seem a trifle when I look to the virtue of others for I know the Intention that have placed that grace into their hearts and this Intention is what connects us.
And so today, my darlingest, I shall be content with the thought that for as long as I hope, we are connected, for as long as I dream good dreams, even in these times when I fall into those familiar sins, for as long as I accept my lack, I shall remain absolutely repentant and unwilling to accept that these sins shall defeat me, my darlingest.
My Lord Christ knows in His heart my anguish and I know that He shall one day break these cycles and so what I must never do is to lose hope, and I am indeed, blessed with much help in this regard, you alone, my darlingest - though I wish sometimes I could text you and you'd text me back - profoundly affects me. But I would that I would soon be able to master the in the moment of temptation this hope that it may become for me a way out instead of a way back.
I love you, my darlingest Annelies Marie.
---<--@
Always to always,
Pusing
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
20081119
Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,
Darlingest, I just want to write a short note today to say, "I love you."
So many things have happened that I want to tell you. But as I am really tired right now and am trying to relax, I shall have to write a longer update for you next time - and very soon. I hope you'll forgive me, my love.
Always to always,
Pusing
Darlingest, I just want to write a short note today to say, "I love you."
So many things have happened that I want to tell you. But as I am really tired right now and am trying to relax, I shall have to write a longer update for you next time - and very soon. I hope you'll forgive me, my love.
Always to always,
Pusing
Monday, November 10, 2008
20081110
Dear Darlingest Annelies Marie,
It's been a bit since my last update so here goes.
I'm happy, dear darlingest! I'm happy because I've managed (with all your help, of course) to stave off the temptations and the urges to do any more drugs. I have to admit all the paternal admonitions that our good LORD has laid upon my poor, happy self has prepared me for the worst. The temptations to do any more drugs seem weaker now compared to what punishment I know Father has in store for me if I disobey. Besides that, you and Mama Mary have extracted a promise from me as well - and both of you I love very, very dearly. This promise also stands as a counterpoint to my own selfish desires because it seems sweeter to me to please you and Mama Mary more than to see me indulge in some self-destructive behavior as drug abuse. It is like what St. Paul has said, all things work out for the good for those who serve the LORD.
Another bright spot in my life right now is my job. Anyway, the job has it's demands (what job doesn't, my darlingest) but it also has it's rewards - mostly the friends that I make and the people that I help connect with other people. The job takes a high volume of calls per shift but takes home no stress whatsoever after shift. Good enough for me, my love. I know my primary occupation here in this world and the rest shall follow.
Oh, I've resolved to write for you, my darlingest, 1575 haikus in the format that I have created for myself to commemorate - of course - our friendship but the 1575 is to commemorate your 15.75 years spent in this poor world of ours. This labor is sweet - sweet like the promise I made to you and Mama Mary.
Well, let me tell you about the dream that gave me the impression of this promise. This is probably the most vague dream of all - hard to describe, my love, so bear with me. I had the impression of Mama Mary standing in front of me - but I can only see her feet - and an angel was in front of her. Then I had the impression of me taking drugs - the one drug that I take which is methamphetamine - and then this sunken feeling overcame me, a feeling that I've completely failed somehow. And then a resolution - NOT to fail - and then - very vaguely - you, my love, my darlingest Annelies Marie. And that's the dream. You see, these dreams are significant IF they stay with me. Or else, I forget them like much of my yesterdays. I can only carry so much information in my head, you know, my darlingest. That's why I don't memorize so much jokes - a disadvantage when trying to meet with women - because I don't have room for much jokes in my head. I have one or two and that's about it, my Miyang - you know it. I'm mostly carried aloft by your cheerfulness more than anything else, my darlingest. You make me smile and when I can almost see your smile - right close to me, it seems to me like the whole world smiles with you.
OK, today is Monday - yesterday is Sunday. My good friend from HSBC invited me over to her Baptist Church anniversary and so to accommodate her request I made sure I attended the Saturday anticipated mass with my cousin and my grandmother to have much of Sunday clear as I have to travel to Carmona, Cavite.
I am excited of course to hear anything said about my most loving Jesus and I know in my heart as well that I'm committed enough to my Mother Church not to allow anything to disturb my interior peace. As a matter of fact, I wanted to come there not only as a friend to my friend but also as a brother to my separated brother and sisters in the Lord. It is after all in keeping with the charism of my community.
Now, the service went well, and as I have had experience before with the general outline of Protestant services having been with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for a season in my own past life, I was not at all surprised when the service lasted for close to three hours. I could have spent the whole day in corporate worship if it had lasted that long and it all would seem to me like a minute long. I mean, I was at times sleepy, but that's the condition of my body and not my soul. I have sleep apnea which causes me to be sleepy but in my body only, mind you.
Everything went well until the last 30 minute stretch when first of all, the pastor likened my Mother Church to the Roman soldier who pierced the side of our Lord with a lance - Longinus. It would have been all well and good if he had also mentioned that Longinus converted to the religion of Jesus Christ after the aforementioned act but his motives were clearly to bedevil my Holy Mother Church - as if to discourage me from my love for the Beautiful Bride of Jesus Christ, he tried to uglify the Roman Church. He said he was formerly a Catholic and that now he's a Baptist and that basically that my Mother Church sucks. He did violence to my faith. They had me fill out a visitor's slip which asked me what religion I followed which I gladly filled out "Roman Catholic Christian".
And then that pastor called out those who wished to be "saved" to the front at which time a person from that church sat next to me to "share" with me some passages from the Holy Bible. This person seem to be operating from the assumption that as a Roman Catholic I was clueless as regards to my own Christianity and tried his darndest, my love, to persuade me with veiled words and isolated Biblical passages taken out of context that I read to mean simply that I must convert to their own brand of Christianity or else. Well, I turned all his arguments around on his ears and even though he was truly committed to doing violence to my own faith, I restrained myself from doing violence to his - I knew full well I could bring his own doctrine into confusion but that would also hurt my friend and I am loyal to all my friends. In the end, I asked us to rely on prayer and to pray for each other. He had this dissatisfied look on his face and I felt the warmth of his friendliness fled after he realized he could not turn me or budge me one inch. And this guy, I heard from my friend, is training to be a pastor.
The Holy Spirit of our LORD works in ways I can never comprehend which is good for all who at the very least possess a heart of good will and I don't care what religion a person is from, the Spirit of God animates the hearts of all good men. And I know I can quite definitely leave the rest to the LORD while leaving the good of my own friend squarely in my own keeping. So where I would have completely walked out of that church for mentioning something dishonorable about my Mother Church in my presence - and for motives that are questionable as well, I did not; where I could have traded violence with violence in an argument I know I could win against someone who disrespects my Catholic faith enough to presuppose that all Catholics are clueless, I did not; because my friend is a beautiful human being - loved by God the same with all the beautiful for being beheld by Him.
And you too, my darlingest is beautiful as you are - as you are, my love, not as I would like you to be - but as you are.
Well, my darlingest, that's my update.
I love you.
Always to always,
Pusing
It's been a bit since my last update so here goes.
I'm happy, dear darlingest! I'm happy because I've managed (with all your help, of course) to stave off the temptations and the urges to do any more drugs. I have to admit all the paternal admonitions that our good LORD has laid upon my poor, happy self has prepared me for the worst. The temptations to do any more drugs seem weaker now compared to what punishment I know Father has in store for me if I disobey. Besides that, you and Mama Mary have extracted a promise from me as well - and both of you I love very, very dearly. This promise also stands as a counterpoint to my own selfish desires because it seems sweeter to me to please you and Mama Mary more than to see me indulge in some self-destructive behavior as drug abuse. It is like what St. Paul has said, all things work out for the good for those who serve the LORD.
Another bright spot in my life right now is my job. Anyway, the job has it's demands (what job doesn't, my darlingest) but it also has it's rewards - mostly the friends that I make and the people that I help connect with other people. The job takes a high volume of calls per shift but takes home no stress whatsoever after shift. Good enough for me, my love. I know my primary occupation here in this world and the rest shall follow.
Oh, I've resolved to write for you, my darlingest, 1575 haikus in the format that I have created for myself to commemorate - of course - our friendship but the 1575 is to commemorate your 15.75 years spent in this poor world of ours. This labor is sweet - sweet like the promise I made to you and Mama Mary.
Well, let me tell you about the dream that gave me the impression of this promise. This is probably the most vague dream of all - hard to describe, my love, so bear with me. I had the impression of Mama Mary standing in front of me - but I can only see her feet - and an angel was in front of her. Then I had the impression of me taking drugs - the one drug that I take which is methamphetamine - and then this sunken feeling overcame me, a feeling that I've completely failed somehow. And then a resolution - NOT to fail - and then - very vaguely - you, my love, my darlingest Annelies Marie. And that's the dream. You see, these dreams are significant IF they stay with me. Or else, I forget them like much of my yesterdays. I can only carry so much information in my head, you know, my darlingest. That's why I don't memorize so much jokes - a disadvantage when trying to meet with women - because I don't have room for much jokes in my head. I have one or two and that's about it, my Miyang - you know it. I'm mostly carried aloft by your cheerfulness more than anything else, my darlingest. You make me smile and when I can almost see your smile - right close to me, it seems to me like the whole world smiles with you.
OK, today is Monday - yesterday is Sunday. My good friend from HSBC invited me over to her Baptist Church anniversary and so to accommodate her request I made sure I attended the Saturday anticipated mass with my cousin and my grandmother to have much of Sunday clear as I have to travel to Carmona, Cavite.
I am excited of course to hear anything said about my most loving Jesus and I know in my heart as well that I'm committed enough to my Mother Church not to allow anything to disturb my interior peace. As a matter of fact, I wanted to come there not only as a friend to my friend but also as a brother to my separated brother and sisters in the Lord. It is after all in keeping with the charism of my community.
Now, the service went well, and as I have had experience before with the general outline of Protestant services having been with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for a season in my own past life, I was not at all surprised when the service lasted for close to three hours. I could have spent the whole day in corporate worship if it had lasted that long and it all would seem to me like a minute long. I mean, I was at times sleepy, but that's the condition of my body and not my soul. I have sleep apnea which causes me to be sleepy but in my body only, mind you.
Everything went well until the last 30 minute stretch when first of all, the pastor likened my Mother Church to the Roman soldier who pierced the side of our Lord with a lance - Longinus. It would have been all well and good if he had also mentioned that Longinus converted to the religion of Jesus Christ after the aforementioned act but his motives were clearly to bedevil my Holy Mother Church - as if to discourage me from my love for the Beautiful Bride of Jesus Christ, he tried to uglify the Roman Church. He said he was formerly a Catholic and that now he's a Baptist and that basically that my Mother Church sucks. He did violence to my faith. They had me fill out a visitor's slip which asked me what religion I followed which I gladly filled out "Roman Catholic Christian".
And then that pastor called out those who wished to be "saved" to the front at which time a person from that church sat next to me to "share" with me some passages from the Holy Bible. This person seem to be operating from the assumption that as a Roman Catholic I was clueless as regards to my own Christianity and tried his darndest, my love, to persuade me with veiled words and isolated Biblical passages taken out of context that I read to mean simply that I must convert to their own brand of Christianity or else. Well, I turned all his arguments around on his ears and even though he was truly committed to doing violence to my own faith, I restrained myself from doing violence to his - I knew full well I could bring his own doctrine into confusion but that would also hurt my friend and I am loyal to all my friends. In the end, I asked us to rely on prayer and to pray for each other. He had this dissatisfied look on his face and I felt the warmth of his friendliness fled after he realized he could not turn me or budge me one inch. And this guy, I heard from my friend, is training to be a pastor.
The Holy Spirit of our LORD works in ways I can never comprehend which is good for all who at the very least possess a heart of good will and I don't care what religion a person is from, the Spirit of God animates the hearts of all good men. And I know I can quite definitely leave the rest to the LORD while leaving the good of my own friend squarely in my own keeping. So where I would have completely walked out of that church for mentioning something dishonorable about my Mother Church in my presence - and for motives that are questionable as well, I did not; where I could have traded violence with violence in an argument I know I could win against someone who disrespects my Catholic faith enough to presuppose that all Catholics are clueless, I did not; because my friend is a beautiful human being - loved by God the same with all the beautiful for being beheld by Him.
And you too, my darlingest is beautiful as you are - as you are, my love, not as I would like you to be - but as you are.
Well, my darlingest, that's my update.
I love you.
Always to always,
Pusing
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