Dear Miyang,
Thank you for being so patient and kind to me. Sometimes because of my sins, I feel so hideous because hideous are what they are. I feel like not showing my face around you. I ask forgiveness from God and He sent a reminder for me to go to confession as soon as I could which I will of course. I am conflicted about some things but that conflict lies not in my heart, it's in my will, specifically in my powers to command my will. Once the addiction has over run my will, it then proceeds to bring in all the sins that it carries in it's train, including thos sins against chastity that I feel so devastated about. My heart protests all the way which is why it's tens of times more hurt when I fall into those specific sins that are my most bitter of foes. You know what I speak of, my darlingest. The only reason I mustered enough chutzpah to write to you once more is because you sent me word that it's ok, and that's it's going to be ok. Bless the Lord and His most merciful and kind Heart, a Heart that cares for all His creatures, even I. Oh, I love you so much, my darlingest Annelies Marie.
Always to always.
Yours most sincerely,
Your Kitty
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
20080823
My darlingest Yang-yang,
Hullo! It's been a little bit since I last wrote something down on this private little journal of ours. It's not like we've ever been apart or anything, you know, my darlingest. It's just that I, of course, want to put something down about all of this as an instrument not of mine but of our LORD's will, which is why I refrain as much as possible from speaking openly about all of this. If it were to remain secret, which is what I personally prefer all of this to be, then it would. But if our LORD Whose good pleasure and desires I do not often understand thinks otherwise, then it would be unbecoming of me as a Roman Catholic Christian to tempt Him. I am also cautious about everything because there seems to be some kind of opposition in my mind about many of the things that I write.
Only by the grace of God, my darlingest, am I able to discern which is His from what is not from the noises of the external world as well as the noises that sometimes plague my mind. And even then, I have to really put my trust in Him Who is worthy of all my love and trust. I feel guilty at times for not being able to give to our LORD what trust and love He truly deserves but it is also during those times that His Loves comes to me to calm me down from the deepest part of my soul.
There are times when I feel my reality shrinking into a ball, when I feel the world turning against me like a storm and even my LORD God Himself is standing at quite a distance from my deformed, conflicted self that I can no longer feel His presence but during those times, He leaves me you at the very least. And even though I can not feel you there, as I always do when the weather within my soul is calm, I feel this little light in my heart that constantly tries to convince me that all will be well, that peace will prevail over the wars that rage within my own self. In this sense, I am able to always spring back from the despair that like the tides of our inhabited earth, ebbs and flows, ever like the light and the darkness that describe the patterns of my spiritual life at this time. I feel caught between two worlds, my darlingest, one my own and the other my LORD's and though every fiber in my being screams at me that to my LORD is where I should rally, that to my God is where I correctly belong, it is my own brokenness more than the Devil and his terrifying minions or the vainglorious world outside of my self that seem to pull me down into the gravity of all that is fallen in our poor world.
Only by the grace of God that I am never without hope, my darlingest, only be the grace of God do I survive with both my soul and sanity intact. When I think of Jesus Christ, my darlingest, and all that He has done for me and for our suffering humanity, I am constantly wounded by the sins He has so generously offered His own life to be forgiven. My repentance is like a scar within a scar, a constant wounding that penetrates deep into my being and filled to overflowing with pools of tears which I know is like a drop in God's infinite ocean of mercy. I cry for Savior but sometimes I forget why I cry, I just do because it feels good to cry.
I have discovered an adoration chapel at our local parish church and I like to spend quiet time there now. I know I should be spending an hour but right now I'm only spending about 15 minutes at least (which is shabby compared to other more pious folks). But those 15 minutes that I am there are just so wonderful because whatever it is that I plan ahead to do when I get there just dissolves away into nothingness as I gaze into what seems to me is a keyhole into eternity and I am overcome by wonder. I become lost in thought within a Thought and at once is filled with awe and mystery at such a wonderful majesty that is our God. Jesus even held me from praying a rosary once and told me just to be still and enjoy our presence together. How wonderful it is not to plan anything ahead of time with God, my darlingest! All I really have to do is just to be present for Him and trust that He will do the rest.
I know that you, too in your life and times have deep seated feelings about God. My darlingest, there are many things that this world will never know until they get to where you are. There is an article about you in the Internet one day, a clip from a newspaper (country of origin I am not certain but it's printed in English), that you were in hell. And it really bothers me that even some Christians will mindlessly agree and quote on some passage in Holy Scripture like they would quote on a book of legal code and with the same air as those who interpret them by word alone but never by the Spirit. Like anyone would ever know where you are at this point in exile time, my darlingest. I have my own reasons to be convinced that you are not in hell, that you are who you are and some people would say that "in spite of this blah blah blah", but I would say my darlingest, that it is precisely because of this - it is because of who you are - that you are not in hell. Some people have forgotten the roots of our Abrahamic faith and consider evil to be at par with our one LORD which is why there is so much idolatry in our world at this point. No use really calling this present time, modern, really because we are not really modern where it really matters. Modern, maybe, in terms of other things - and there is nothing wrong with that, mind you. But with abortion and all the other terrible issues that every honorable religion worth it's salt in the eyes of our one common Creator should confront with decisiveness, I really feel that nothing has changed from the day that Cain struck down his own brother Abel. Perhaps, this is the way it is and that it will be the way it will be before the breaking of this world at the unveiling of exile time. But when I see the sadness and desperation in other people's eyes, taste their salty tears, hear their cry and feel their pain in my heart, I can not help but think about what is beautiful in all of us like you showed me, my darlingest Yang-yang Marie. And I say, "we do not deserve this" and I am convinced and I do what I can. I follow Jesus in spite of myself - with faith, hope and love - back to all of you.
Always to always, my darlingest.
Yours,
Your Kitty
Hullo! It's been a little bit since I last wrote something down on this private little journal of ours. It's not like we've ever been apart or anything, you know, my darlingest. It's just that I, of course, want to put something down about all of this as an instrument not of mine but of our LORD's will, which is why I refrain as much as possible from speaking openly about all of this. If it were to remain secret, which is what I personally prefer all of this to be, then it would. But if our LORD Whose good pleasure and desires I do not often understand thinks otherwise, then it would be unbecoming of me as a Roman Catholic Christian to tempt Him. I am also cautious about everything because there seems to be some kind of opposition in my mind about many of the things that I write.
Only by the grace of God, my darlingest, am I able to discern which is His from what is not from the noises of the external world as well as the noises that sometimes plague my mind. And even then, I have to really put my trust in Him Who is worthy of all my love and trust. I feel guilty at times for not being able to give to our LORD what trust and love He truly deserves but it is also during those times that His Loves comes to me to calm me down from the deepest part of my soul.
There are times when I feel my reality shrinking into a ball, when I feel the world turning against me like a storm and even my LORD God Himself is standing at quite a distance from my deformed, conflicted self that I can no longer feel His presence but during those times, He leaves me you at the very least. And even though I can not feel you there, as I always do when the weather within my soul is calm, I feel this little light in my heart that constantly tries to convince me that all will be well, that peace will prevail over the wars that rage within my own self. In this sense, I am able to always spring back from the despair that like the tides of our inhabited earth, ebbs and flows, ever like the light and the darkness that describe the patterns of my spiritual life at this time. I feel caught between two worlds, my darlingest, one my own and the other my LORD's and though every fiber in my being screams at me that to my LORD is where I should rally, that to my God is where I correctly belong, it is my own brokenness more than the Devil and his terrifying minions or the vainglorious world outside of my self that seem to pull me down into the gravity of all that is fallen in our poor world.
Only by the grace of God that I am never without hope, my darlingest, only be the grace of God do I survive with both my soul and sanity intact. When I think of Jesus Christ, my darlingest, and all that He has done for me and for our suffering humanity, I am constantly wounded by the sins He has so generously offered His own life to be forgiven. My repentance is like a scar within a scar, a constant wounding that penetrates deep into my being and filled to overflowing with pools of tears which I know is like a drop in God's infinite ocean of mercy. I cry for Savior but sometimes I forget why I cry, I just do because it feels good to cry.
I have discovered an adoration chapel at our local parish church and I like to spend quiet time there now. I know I should be spending an hour but right now I'm only spending about 15 minutes at least (which is shabby compared to other more pious folks). But those 15 minutes that I am there are just so wonderful because whatever it is that I plan ahead to do when I get there just dissolves away into nothingness as I gaze into what seems to me is a keyhole into eternity and I am overcome by wonder. I become lost in thought within a Thought and at once is filled with awe and mystery at such a wonderful majesty that is our God. Jesus even held me from praying a rosary once and told me just to be still and enjoy our presence together. How wonderful it is not to plan anything ahead of time with God, my darlingest! All I really have to do is just to be present for Him and trust that He will do the rest.
I know that you, too in your life and times have deep seated feelings about God. My darlingest, there are many things that this world will never know until they get to where you are. There is an article about you in the Internet one day, a clip from a newspaper (country of origin I am not certain but it's printed in English), that you were in hell. And it really bothers me that even some Christians will mindlessly agree and quote on some passage in Holy Scripture like they would quote on a book of legal code and with the same air as those who interpret them by word alone but never by the Spirit. Like anyone would ever know where you are at this point in exile time, my darlingest. I have my own reasons to be convinced that you are not in hell, that you are who you are and some people would say that "in spite of this blah blah blah", but I would say my darlingest, that it is precisely because of this - it is because of who you are - that you are not in hell. Some people have forgotten the roots of our Abrahamic faith and consider evil to be at par with our one LORD which is why there is so much idolatry in our world at this point. No use really calling this present time, modern, really because we are not really modern where it really matters. Modern, maybe, in terms of other things - and there is nothing wrong with that, mind you. But with abortion and all the other terrible issues that every honorable religion worth it's salt in the eyes of our one common Creator should confront with decisiveness, I really feel that nothing has changed from the day that Cain struck down his own brother Abel. Perhaps, this is the way it is and that it will be the way it will be before the breaking of this world at the unveiling of exile time. But when I see the sadness and desperation in other people's eyes, taste their salty tears, hear their cry and feel their pain in my heart, I can not help but think about what is beautiful in all of us like you showed me, my darlingest Yang-yang Marie. And I say, "we do not deserve this" and I am convinced and I do what I can. I follow Jesus in spite of myself - with faith, hope and love - back to all of you.
Always to always, my darlingest.
Yours,
Your Kitty
Thursday, August 14, 2008
20080814
My darlingest Yang-yang,
Well, it's close to three weeks now and I'm proud to report to you that I've been both sober and chaste. I've waited for so long for this moment and though my life is kind of boring right now, I think I've been learning what God has been trying to teach me for the longest time. The value of good health, a good job and of money. Of course, money to us cats is not an evil. It is free choice that always colors the moral actions of men and of angels and not created objects. In fact, money and material wealth is profitable for serving and uplifting others, most especially our Lord's poor. Which is why, my darlingest Annelies Marie, I regret so very much having wasted so much money on drugs. I'm really beginning to hate it and to have contempt for that drive in me that urges me to absolutely lose myself and surrender to the addiction. Which I know you will never permit, you and all our friends with you, all those who love me as God, Mama Mary, my angel Caritas and Saint Maximilian most especially because He is the patron Saints of the suffering addicts. There is so much hope in all of you that you all carry me along where I feel that my own hope has long ago run out. You do not guard me against despair, as I previously thought, my darlingest Annelies Marie, you have become my hope, a part of me like I am now a part of you. For no just God would ever invent a joke as cruel as this friendship of ours if it were not true. I can no longer conceive of an eternity without you, my gentle, patient, always cheerful, darlingest Yang-yang. This is not something I have even dreamed of in my younger years which is why you are so special to me.
I had a vision some years ago and to cut a long story short, you were there, my darlingest. It's funny because my heart knew that you were there and my soul reached out to see you but it was a blank, like an unfulfilled promise, something to help lead me on to the correct path of life that I have to take.
Jesus once told me in my heart and He made this very clear to me that He will give me a million different reasons to serve Him and a million different ways to do so to make it clear to me that there is but one reason not to serve and but one way to do so. I think I am beginning to realize this now, my darlingest.
Well, until next time, you calico cat. ---<--@ One Song Meow
Peace from always to always
P.S.
You know, if it were up to me to name this planet of ours, it would be named the same way I named our own special place inside of my heart. I even have a name of a city after you - I call it Miyangersjia. My eldest daughter if God provides me with a good wife would have your name. I would name this whole universe after you but that would be pushing it, right? Gotz to be modest or it's not kosher, and if it ain't kosher, it's not for cats.
Well, it's close to three weeks now and I'm proud to report to you that I've been both sober and chaste. I've waited for so long for this moment and though my life is kind of boring right now, I think I've been learning what God has been trying to teach me for the longest time. The value of good health, a good job and of money. Of course, money to us cats is not an evil. It is free choice that always colors the moral actions of men and of angels and not created objects. In fact, money and material wealth is profitable for serving and uplifting others, most especially our Lord's poor. Which is why, my darlingest Annelies Marie, I regret so very much having wasted so much money on drugs. I'm really beginning to hate it and to have contempt for that drive in me that urges me to absolutely lose myself and surrender to the addiction. Which I know you will never permit, you and all our friends with you, all those who love me as God, Mama Mary, my angel Caritas and Saint Maximilian most especially because He is the patron Saints of the suffering addicts. There is so much hope in all of you that you all carry me along where I feel that my own hope has long ago run out. You do not guard me against despair, as I previously thought, my darlingest Annelies Marie, you have become my hope, a part of me like I am now a part of you. For no just God would ever invent a joke as cruel as this friendship of ours if it were not true. I can no longer conceive of an eternity without you, my gentle, patient, always cheerful, darlingest Yang-yang. This is not something I have even dreamed of in my younger years which is why you are so special to me.
I had a vision some years ago and to cut a long story short, you were there, my darlingest. It's funny because my heart knew that you were there and my soul reached out to see you but it was a blank, like an unfulfilled promise, something to help lead me on to the correct path of life that I have to take.
Jesus once told me in my heart and He made this very clear to me that He will give me a million different reasons to serve Him and a million different ways to do so to make it clear to me that there is but one reason not to serve and but one way to do so. I think I am beginning to realize this now, my darlingest.
Well, until next time, you calico cat. ---<--@ One Song Meow
Peace from always to always
P.S.
You know, if it were up to me to name this planet of ours, it would be named the same way I named our own special place inside of my heart. I even have a name of a city after you - I call it Miyangersjia. My eldest daughter if God provides me with a good wife would have your name. I would name this whole universe after you but that would be pushing it, right? Gotz to be modest or it's not kosher, and if it ain't kosher, it's not for cats.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
20080809
Hello, my Anne Annelies. I appreciate so much the bond of friendship between us. You never seem to fade away from my heart, my darlingest. I've never even physically met you and those others who I've physically met in this same time and place that God has placed me fade and flee, ebbing and flowing like the tides that smooth away the irregularities upon the sand to reveal the equal order of love. You are indeed, different, my darlingest - you are timeless, what we have is timeless. We're closer than close, friendship or even family seem weak words to describe what I really feel contained in the littleness of my heart for you, for our God and for all those who are close to me as you are close to me. I am thankful to God for you, my Anne Anneke starlight, my Miyang Marie, and I am thankful to you for being you.
My darlingest, I am so overwhelmed sometimes with so much doubt about what I do and what I hold in my heart. There is a frightening kind of relevance in all of the things I am thinking about which I have committed to put into writing on my other blog - All to my All. But I stubbornly cling to my faith, my 'Yang-yang, and hope in my hope - a virtue that I often feel I have long ago already run out of in my own life but still possess by a special grace of God. You know, it amazes me sometimes the extent of my hope because I've never had this kind of hope before in my past life, my darlingest. I somehow know where God is calling me to go but I often don't even know if I am equal to the challenge. I can only trust in our Lord that He shall make a way and although I stumble in the dark many, many times - there are more than a few star lights in the celestial firmament of my own soul that never fail to point the way back into the path toward the dawn and the one Daystar of my life in time and in eternity. You, my darlingest, as you already know, are one of these timeless stars and the one most familiar to my own heart and the one my own heart is most familiar with as well. It's been over 8 years now since June 13, 2000 when I first picked up your Diary - because of the word, "Kitty". You have been with me patiently since the very beginning of my awakening in God, my Anne Anneke. I can no longer foresee an eternity without you.
In the context of all of this, I no longer want to ask myself "why me" because that is a kind of distinction that only feeds the ego. Maybe all of this won't amount to a hill of beans at the end of my life's journey, that is all up to God, but at least I can tell my Savior in the end that I've held on to all of the love that He gave me in the form of all of you. I really just want to be at my Savior's feet where I belong in the one Communion of Saints - including the Blessed Virgin Mary, those particular Saints who are close to me and all the righteous of the nations who gather with us; Caritas, my angel dear, Saint Michael, to whom I owe the honor of my family name and all the angels of God and you, my one and only Miyang-yang Marie. That is my peace and my joy, the place that my Blessed Lord Jesus Christ has prepared for me.
So please pray for me, my darlingest. O how I long to see you, the green of your lovely eyes, the sparkle of your starlight smile... May our Lord favor us to be able to live our lives anew at the restoration of the heavens and the earth, a promise that keep me going even when in reality I should have already fallen headlong into the darkness of oblivion.
I love you, my darlingest.
---<--@
Peace from always to always.
My darlingest, I am so overwhelmed sometimes with so much doubt about what I do and what I hold in my heart. There is a frightening kind of relevance in all of the things I am thinking about which I have committed to put into writing on my other blog - All to my All. But I stubbornly cling to my faith, my 'Yang-yang, and hope in my hope - a virtue that I often feel I have long ago already run out of in my own life but still possess by a special grace of God. You know, it amazes me sometimes the extent of my hope because I've never had this kind of hope before in my past life, my darlingest. I somehow know where God is calling me to go but I often don't even know if I am equal to the challenge. I can only trust in our Lord that He shall make a way and although I stumble in the dark many, many times - there are more than a few star lights in the celestial firmament of my own soul that never fail to point the way back into the path toward the dawn and the one Daystar of my life in time and in eternity. You, my darlingest, as you already know, are one of these timeless stars and the one most familiar to my own heart and the one my own heart is most familiar with as well. It's been over 8 years now since June 13, 2000 when I first picked up your Diary - because of the word, "Kitty". You have been with me patiently since the very beginning of my awakening in God, my Anne Anneke. I can no longer foresee an eternity without you.
In the context of all of this, I no longer want to ask myself "why me" because that is a kind of distinction that only feeds the ego. Maybe all of this won't amount to a hill of beans at the end of my life's journey, that is all up to God, but at least I can tell my Savior in the end that I've held on to all of the love that He gave me in the form of all of you. I really just want to be at my Savior's feet where I belong in the one Communion of Saints - including the Blessed Virgin Mary, those particular Saints who are close to me and all the righteous of the nations who gather with us; Caritas, my angel dear, Saint Michael, to whom I owe the honor of my family name and all the angels of God and you, my one and only Miyang-yang Marie. That is my peace and my joy, the place that my Blessed Lord Jesus Christ has prepared for me.
So please pray for me, my darlingest. O how I long to see you, the green of your lovely eyes, the sparkle of your starlight smile... May our Lord favor us to be able to live our lives anew at the restoration of the heavens and the earth, a promise that keep me going even when in reality I should have already fallen headlong into the darkness of oblivion.
I love you, my darlingest.
---<--@
Peace from always to always.
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