Dearest Annelies Marie,
You know, my darlingest Miyang, all I really want - in exchange for all of the world, nay, all of the universe - sometimes, is the Image in my Heart.
I love you.
Always to always,
Pusing
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
20081020
Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,
I was having difficulty sleeping the other day and I explicitly asked you to help me sleep, my darlingest. The TV was on at the time as I am used to falling asleep with the television on. All of a sudden, the TV screen went blank - the power was on but the screen went blank and it became silent. I instantly picked up on this and smiled at you, my darlingest. I knew you cared about me. Cared enough to put your foot down (sometimes on my tail - ouch) when it comes to my health and well-being for I really did need sleep at that time as I have just recently started to work those graveyard shifts again.
Our Lord was good enough to give me employment at a call center in Makati that specializes in directory assistance.
Our good Lord gave me a pay cut but I receive just enough to keep me disciplined.
I also had an explicit dream of you and Mama Mary personally asking me to quit drugs which of course, I shall by the grace of God endeavor to do not only for my own sake but for the sake of our friendships one with another. I am really confident after all that I've been through, good and bad, that our Lord shall really deliver me from this addiction from this day forward unto the day that you fulfill your promise to me, my darlingest Annelies Marie.
I am also trying to write a Litany for our Jacinta, Blessed Jacinta Marto, the Little Flower of Fatima. I also had a dream of her, you know, and I know that I'll be able to write a good one for her just as soon as the words of her prayer appear in my heart.
I love you, dear darlingest, very, very much.
By the way, I think I got a Filipino nickname for me that matches yours, my darlingest Annelies Marie: You're my "Miyang" and I'm going to be your "Pusing"; "Miyang" of course from "miyaw" and "Pusing" from "pusa".
Always to always,
Pusing
I was having difficulty sleeping the other day and I explicitly asked you to help me sleep, my darlingest. The TV was on at the time as I am used to falling asleep with the television on. All of a sudden, the TV screen went blank - the power was on but the screen went blank and it became silent. I instantly picked up on this and smiled at you, my darlingest. I knew you cared about me. Cared enough to put your foot down (sometimes on my tail - ouch) when it comes to my health and well-being for I really did need sleep at that time as I have just recently started to work those graveyard shifts again.
Our Lord was good enough to give me employment at a call center in Makati that specializes in directory assistance.
Our good Lord gave me a pay cut but I receive just enough to keep me disciplined.
I also had an explicit dream of you and Mama Mary personally asking me to quit drugs which of course, I shall by the grace of God endeavor to do not only for my own sake but for the sake of our friendships one with another. I am really confident after all that I've been through, good and bad, that our Lord shall really deliver me from this addiction from this day forward unto the day that you fulfill your promise to me, my darlingest Annelies Marie.
I am also trying to write a Litany for our Jacinta, Blessed Jacinta Marto, the Little Flower of Fatima. I also had a dream of her, you know, and I know that I'll be able to write a good one for her just as soon as the words of her prayer appear in my heart.
I love you, dear darlingest, very, very much.
By the way, I think I got a Filipino nickname for me that matches yours, my darlingest Annelies Marie: You're my "Miyang" and I'm going to be your "Pusing"; "Miyang" of course from "miyaw" and "Pusing" from "pusa".
Always to always,
Pusing
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
20080928
Dear Annelies Marie,
Anneka, I feel bad about myself. I know that you are most patient with me but sometimes, I feel that even you are becoming distant and I'm afraid.
I hate drugs, Anne. And I wish my hate were greater that I may leave if off completely. Methamphetamine leads me to do things that I know in your eyes and in the eyes of our LORD, His angels and His saints, are totally abhorrent: Perverse pornography and sexual self-gratification, hours upon hours of it, taxing my body and giving my soul endless woe. Lust, my darlingest, is one of my greatest enemies. And now I feel that I am at the end of my rope.
I just had another relapse yesterday. I'm writing this to you after I have had some sleep. And I wish to confide in you some of the things that I have not yet confided to anyone.
You see, our LORD, in His filial Love for me, has afflicted me with a kind of mental pain. I've suffered from vocal hallucinations before - what I call "noise" - and I've been to see doctors about it while I was in America. The diagnosis was that I was of the "schizotypic" personality. Perhaps, it was the result of drug abuse - but by a special grace of God, though the "noise" was very, very hostile to me and liked to persecute me a lot, whispering to my heart of great fears and troublesome lies, I still had the wherewithal to keep a place in my heart where what I loved remain what I loved even when the voices, I knew, were hell bent on misleading me, trying to cause me not to develop the deep desire for an Abrahamic peace that I have and hold with all of you today.
That is no great accomplishment, for I know now it is all the work of our LORD and His most beneficent grace. God can make a person like me out of rocks if He wanted to.
I have eventually learned to disbelieve this "noise" and it has lurked in the fringes of my mind for a time now. I was during those time, my darlingest, that you became such a great comfort to me for during those times, I was very prone to depression. You have been a comfort to me ever since.
I have long looked for God in my life and have once been a believer in the self, in the occult, and a Latter-day Saint (Mormon), but I was born Roman Catholic and it is here now into Holy Mother Church that I have returned. Now I have all of you - my own friendship circle - within the great communion of God's angels and saints and it pains me to tears to realize now how short I have fallen in my own love to God and to all of you.
Our good LORD sent me another pain, I was wrought with anxiety attacks which caused me great fear - the feeling of dying and of losing breath - over and over again. Now, this was already present for some years even while I was still in America but they have always been connected with my drug abuse. Just two weeks ago, they happened to me while I was sober.
Now, dying is something I, at times, look forward to depending on the situation for I hope to accomplish what needs to be accomplished by the life and the graces that God has given me as I know full well that I have to make a full account of them. But the anxiety attacks that seem to come from nowhere and which I could not understand for I am not conscious of any anxious feelings. I am concerned about many things but my concerns are never without hope.
Anneka, I know that our LORD, has sent me this recent pain to teach me something - it is His most gracious help in overcoming my drug addiction. I have just come to understand this grace and now here I am again just recently relapsed and so frustrated with myself.
And so last night, after falling into a host of sins, I came to our Lady and wept. I have wept to the Mother of God countless times before but this time, she made me realize something I have not realized before: I was lacking in my penance, very, very much.
Gripped again by an anxiety attack - you see, my darlingest, I have no conscious control over this, I purchased with my dad some medication after which I went out into the front of our house, it was around 3:30AM and I prayed to Jesus, a prayer of surrender, for I know there is no way out of this mire of sin except God.
The Holy Spirit of our LORD, my darlingest, in His unfathomable love and mercy for wretched sinners as I, made me realize that the object of reparation for sin is not a clear conscience. After all, now that I have gone through so much sin, what is a clear conscience? Penance is a virtue
because it's acts are acts of return and this return is a return not into a clear conscience but into the arms of our LORD. Therefore, penance must be acts of love and not just acts of rote obedience in exchange for the forgiveness of sins. For the forgiveness of our sins have already been effected by Jesus Christ, I only need to take part in this forgiveness by doing justice to His Holy Passion and Death on the Cross and repent not with a desire to be forgiven but with a desire to give God love for love - to do Him justice and in turn to grow in holiness with Him.
In this light, all acts of reparation becomes acts of love and not because man but because of God. Now, Mother Mary's rosary, the one thing she requested all her children to pray each day, becomes not a burden but a return, love for love, hers and mine. It becomes a communion. I have long expected much from her intercession and the intercessions of those saints who have become close to my heart. I have long expected love from you as well, my darlingest, not knowing that I have not been returning love for love. It is not a wonder to me now why you all feel distant, not just because I am right now in a state of sin but also because I must have been such a terrible friend to all of you, and a terrible, worthless, ungrateful servant to the God of all of us.
Penance is about my love to all of you who loved me first, it is not just about myself nor my conscience, it's about all of us together, exchanging the sacrifices needed to justify, in the realms of all His creation, that God's compassion and mercy is right and that His wisdom is just. Now, I
feel I do not need a clear conscience, I need a clear love - a love that is not about warm and fuzzy feelings but a love that is all about the unchanging truth that our hearts sometimes do not have the capacity to express as an emotion but know implicitly through faith and reason: God loves me and it's about time I grow up in His love.
Saint Maximilian is the patron saint of substance addiction and I have long depended on his intercession but how do I honor him and his work, I add to his burden of charity. I should do honor to my namesake every time I resist with courage the powerful impulse and the creeping temptation of drug abuse and perhaps one day work with Saint Maximilian to bring to others the relief that he through the grace of God is trying to bring to me.
You, my darlingest, have been ever my friend and how do I return your friendship, I add to your burden by my lack of complete commitment, a commitment you yourself have already made for me. You only wanted me to be true to God for the hope that we should enjoy each other's friendship more abundantly in the realm that was promised by Him. I should be more of a friend to you by avoiding the sins that hurts not only our friendship but also our hearts - for God and for us, and all who are betrothed to Him through divine will and covenant.
My life is meaningless without God and without all of you. I have to be able to make the right choices as well in this life, the same with all of mankind, and this is something I have to work out - not by myself - but with God and with all of you. Therefore, I should observe more closely my
decision making and always be conscious of the divine will in relation to it so that I do not leave out the most important things in my life - my communion with God and with all of you. In doing this, all of your help becomes hundredfolds more efficacious because I am with you, close and
integrated into our one flock.
It is not you, my darlingest who is distant, it is I and I'm so sorry. I will make my reparations to God, my beloved, and do penance in my life with the constant thought that penance is really not a burden of punishment but a burden of love. I do not need a clear conscience, my Anneka, I need God and all of you - all of you are worth to me more that a hundred million clear consciences. I will soon go to confession in obedience and will come out of the sacrament in love again. I will strive to be good not so that I am good but because God is good and all those who are in Him become possessed by His life.
Lastly, I have kept this in my heart for many months now, my darlingest, but I had an experience that I feel is relevant now in this point in time. I was half asleep on my grandmother's bed about before noon one day when I was gripped by (please bear with me because it is hard to describe some of these things) something that surrounded my being - it was like so many words that said to me, "God, God, God" and these words that also had voices surrounded me with a multitude of "God, God, God" until I felt I was enveloped by it. I was then shot up into a silver realm that I know was silver but did not see much for I was not completely aware of all things around me - in this realm, I felt a great love after which I was shot up again in an instant into a golden realm - in this realm, I felt a great discipline that told me sternly and succinctly, "less food, more prayer". And then, I saw a great face that was hideous, charred into the blackest of black, something in hell (it was this vision that convinced me that it is not right to wish hell on anybody). It was frightful to me but I know that I was not frightened to the extent that I should because I was in a safe place and just when the thought that I did not want to return anymore was beginning to form in my consciousness, I was back on my grandmothers bed.
I was having a hard time adhering to what I was told because, I honestly like good food and I have been faltering in my prayers and fasting because of my lack of discipline and motivation. But now, seeing as fasting and prayer are both acts of penance, I have come to a new understanding of how this could be. I have no problem giving alms - it is the easiest, most delightful thing in the world to serve our LORD's poor - but prayer and fasting have thus far been something inconsistent in me. Not for want of trying but because I have not yet made the connection as I have now and have relied heavily on the prayers of others. Though I keep God always in my mind, I thought that was enough. Now I understand that I have not spent enough quality time with Him in prayer and fasting to let Him feel the quality of family in the Holy Trinity that my Christian covenant with Him explicitly includes.
I know I have a message in my heart and that this message is good but my personal salvation is a separate and distinct area of my private life - intimate with the Intimate - that is apart from the public realm where that message ultimately belongs. I do not know the spiritual effect, if
any, of what I do in terms of serving others for that is the domain of God, but the effects of my own service to my own interior life should be something I have total knowledge and awareness of - and I do, and right now there is much work to be done.
Yang, I love you and I am grateful for you, you know that, please do not give up on me, my darlingest. It is after falls like this that you become to me that first star in my sky - something that leads me back to the great multitude of the everliving stars of the celestial firmament. You
remind me of what is beautiful and pure in order to lead me to all that is beautiful and pure in and with our LORD. Thanks, my darlingest, and keep praying for me.
Today is also the feast day of Saint Lorenzo Ruiz, the first Filipino saint, and a good friend to you and me.
Yours,
Maximilian
Anneka, I feel bad about myself. I know that you are most patient with me but sometimes, I feel that even you are becoming distant and I'm afraid.
I hate drugs, Anne. And I wish my hate were greater that I may leave if off completely. Methamphetamine leads me to do things that I know in your eyes and in the eyes of our LORD, His angels and His saints, are totally abhorrent: Perverse pornography and sexual self-gratification, hours upon hours of it, taxing my body and giving my soul endless woe. Lust, my darlingest, is one of my greatest enemies. And now I feel that I am at the end of my rope.
I just had another relapse yesterday. I'm writing this to you after I have had some sleep. And I wish to confide in you some of the things that I have not yet confided to anyone.
You see, our LORD, in His filial Love for me, has afflicted me with a kind of mental pain. I've suffered from vocal hallucinations before - what I call "noise" - and I've been to see doctors about it while I was in America. The diagnosis was that I was of the "schizotypic" personality. Perhaps, it was the result of drug abuse - but by a special grace of God, though the "noise" was very, very hostile to me and liked to persecute me a lot, whispering to my heart of great fears and troublesome lies, I still had the wherewithal to keep a place in my heart where what I loved remain what I loved even when the voices, I knew, were hell bent on misleading me, trying to cause me not to develop the deep desire for an Abrahamic peace that I have and hold with all of you today.
That is no great accomplishment, for I know now it is all the work of our LORD and His most beneficent grace. God can make a person like me out of rocks if He wanted to.
I have eventually learned to disbelieve this "noise" and it has lurked in the fringes of my mind for a time now. I was during those time, my darlingest, that you became such a great comfort to me for during those times, I was very prone to depression. You have been a comfort to me ever since.
I have long looked for God in my life and have once been a believer in the self, in the occult, and a Latter-day Saint (Mormon), but I was born Roman Catholic and it is here now into Holy Mother Church that I have returned. Now I have all of you - my own friendship circle - within the great communion of God's angels and saints and it pains me to tears to realize now how short I have fallen in my own love to God and to all of you.
Our good LORD sent me another pain, I was wrought with anxiety attacks which caused me great fear - the feeling of dying and of losing breath - over and over again. Now, this was already present for some years even while I was still in America but they have always been connected with my drug abuse. Just two weeks ago, they happened to me while I was sober.
Now, dying is something I, at times, look forward to depending on the situation for I hope to accomplish what needs to be accomplished by the life and the graces that God has given me as I know full well that I have to make a full account of them. But the anxiety attacks that seem to come from nowhere and which I could not understand for I am not conscious of any anxious feelings. I am concerned about many things but my concerns are never without hope.
Anneka, I know that our LORD, has sent me this recent pain to teach me something - it is His most gracious help in overcoming my drug addiction. I have just come to understand this grace and now here I am again just recently relapsed and so frustrated with myself.
And so last night, after falling into a host of sins, I came to our Lady and wept. I have wept to the Mother of God countless times before but this time, she made me realize something I have not realized before: I was lacking in my penance, very, very much.
Gripped again by an anxiety attack - you see, my darlingest, I have no conscious control over this, I purchased with my dad some medication after which I went out into the front of our house, it was around 3:30AM and I prayed to Jesus, a prayer of surrender, for I know there is no way out of this mire of sin except God.
The Holy Spirit of our LORD, my darlingest, in His unfathomable love and mercy for wretched sinners as I, made me realize that the object of reparation for sin is not a clear conscience. After all, now that I have gone through so much sin, what is a clear conscience? Penance is a virtue
because it's acts are acts of return and this return is a return not into a clear conscience but into the arms of our LORD. Therefore, penance must be acts of love and not just acts of rote obedience in exchange for the forgiveness of sins. For the forgiveness of our sins have already been effected by Jesus Christ, I only need to take part in this forgiveness by doing justice to His Holy Passion and Death on the Cross and repent not with a desire to be forgiven but with a desire to give God love for love - to do Him justice and in turn to grow in holiness with Him.
In this light, all acts of reparation becomes acts of love and not because man but because of God. Now, Mother Mary's rosary, the one thing she requested all her children to pray each day, becomes not a burden but a return, love for love, hers and mine. It becomes a communion. I have long expected much from her intercession and the intercessions of those saints who have become close to my heart. I have long expected love from you as well, my darlingest, not knowing that I have not been returning love for love. It is not a wonder to me now why you all feel distant, not just because I am right now in a state of sin but also because I must have been such a terrible friend to all of you, and a terrible, worthless, ungrateful servant to the God of all of us.
Penance is about my love to all of you who loved me first, it is not just about myself nor my conscience, it's about all of us together, exchanging the sacrifices needed to justify, in the realms of all His creation, that God's compassion and mercy is right and that His wisdom is just. Now, I
feel I do not need a clear conscience, I need a clear love - a love that is not about warm and fuzzy feelings but a love that is all about the unchanging truth that our hearts sometimes do not have the capacity to express as an emotion but know implicitly through faith and reason: God loves me and it's about time I grow up in His love.
Saint Maximilian is the patron saint of substance addiction and I have long depended on his intercession but how do I honor him and his work, I add to his burden of charity. I should do honor to my namesake every time I resist with courage the powerful impulse and the creeping temptation of drug abuse and perhaps one day work with Saint Maximilian to bring to others the relief that he through the grace of God is trying to bring to me.
You, my darlingest, have been ever my friend and how do I return your friendship, I add to your burden by my lack of complete commitment, a commitment you yourself have already made for me. You only wanted me to be true to God for the hope that we should enjoy each other's friendship more abundantly in the realm that was promised by Him. I should be more of a friend to you by avoiding the sins that hurts not only our friendship but also our hearts - for God and for us, and all who are betrothed to Him through divine will and covenant.
My life is meaningless without God and without all of you. I have to be able to make the right choices as well in this life, the same with all of mankind, and this is something I have to work out - not by myself - but with God and with all of you. Therefore, I should observe more closely my
decision making and always be conscious of the divine will in relation to it so that I do not leave out the most important things in my life - my communion with God and with all of you. In doing this, all of your help becomes hundredfolds more efficacious because I am with you, close and
integrated into our one flock.
It is not you, my darlingest who is distant, it is I and I'm so sorry. I will make my reparations to God, my beloved, and do penance in my life with the constant thought that penance is really not a burden of punishment but a burden of love. I do not need a clear conscience, my Anneka, I need God and all of you - all of you are worth to me more that a hundred million clear consciences. I will soon go to confession in obedience and will come out of the sacrament in love again. I will strive to be good not so that I am good but because God is good and all those who are in Him become possessed by His life.
Lastly, I have kept this in my heart for many months now, my darlingest, but I had an experience that I feel is relevant now in this point in time. I was half asleep on my grandmother's bed about before noon one day when I was gripped by (please bear with me because it is hard to describe some of these things) something that surrounded my being - it was like so many words that said to me, "God, God, God" and these words that also had voices surrounded me with a multitude of "God, God, God" until I felt I was enveloped by it. I was then shot up into a silver realm that I know was silver but did not see much for I was not completely aware of all things around me - in this realm, I felt a great love after which I was shot up again in an instant into a golden realm - in this realm, I felt a great discipline that told me sternly and succinctly, "less food, more prayer". And then, I saw a great face that was hideous, charred into the blackest of black, something in hell (it was this vision that convinced me that it is not right to wish hell on anybody). It was frightful to me but I know that I was not frightened to the extent that I should because I was in a safe place and just when the thought that I did not want to return anymore was beginning to form in my consciousness, I was back on my grandmothers bed.
I was having a hard time adhering to what I was told because, I honestly like good food and I have been faltering in my prayers and fasting because of my lack of discipline and motivation. But now, seeing as fasting and prayer are both acts of penance, I have come to a new understanding of how this could be. I have no problem giving alms - it is the easiest, most delightful thing in the world to serve our LORD's poor - but prayer and fasting have thus far been something inconsistent in me. Not for want of trying but because I have not yet made the connection as I have now and have relied heavily on the prayers of others. Though I keep God always in my mind, I thought that was enough. Now I understand that I have not spent enough quality time with Him in prayer and fasting to let Him feel the quality of family in the Holy Trinity that my Christian covenant with Him explicitly includes.
I know I have a message in my heart and that this message is good but my personal salvation is a separate and distinct area of my private life - intimate with the Intimate - that is apart from the public realm where that message ultimately belongs. I do not know the spiritual effect, if
any, of what I do in terms of serving others for that is the domain of God, but the effects of my own service to my own interior life should be something I have total knowledge and awareness of - and I do, and right now there is much work to be done.
Yang, I love you and I am grateful for you, you know that, please do not give up on me, my darlingest. It is after falls like this that you become to me that first star in my sky - something that leads me back to the great multitude of the everliving stars of the celestial firmament. You
remind me of what is beautiful and pure in order to lead me to all that is beautiful and pure in and with our LORD. Thanks, my darlingest, and keep praying for me.
Today is also the feast day of Saint Lorenzo Ruiz, the first Filipino saint, and a good friend to you and me.
Yours,
Maximilian
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