20081220

Dearest Annelies Marie,

It's five more days till Christmas and though I am not problem free right now, I can still feel the deep sense of anticipation of the season. Yes, there is a sweet sense of joy in me which can not sometimes be perceived from the outside. For I do have problems - and you know that, my darlingest, but we shall not speak about drugs today. Suffice to say, I am hopeful - and its not that I'm not trying, my love, its just a matter of time.

From what I understand about time is that time is refuge for those who are patient and so I must be patient and never lose hope that one day, time will eventually carry this trouble with drugs away from me also and like all troubles disappear into the sink of oblivion. Because if I can't force the issue, if my will breaks against the charge of this enemy, I shall not face it in the open - I shall have to deal with it concealed in the veil of time and be patient even as this enemy runs rampant in my life, and work to contain the damage to myself - until time arrives at God's own bidding to sweep this addiction away from me and out of my life - so that I can claim the rest of my life back to myself.

Well, I guess we spoke about drugs already, my darlingest, so here goes some other things, too - it is my hope that one day, after I have, God-willing, overcome this addiction, that I shall be able to help other people cope up, realize, accept and eventually lift themselves out of their own addiction. The important thing is this, the acceptance of reality - you see, some people would try to justify their drug abuse by deluding themselves that it is good - but since I know how to perceive what is good and what is evil, I can not delude myself - easy though it may seem - to believe that drugs are somehow good. I am a victim of this thing, and I am not saying that I do not have a responsibility to my own addiction, what I'm saying is that proper perspective is very important when one is faced with an addiction to drugs. If I were to advise an addict on how to deal with an addiction, that's the first thing that I shall say, find your own truth in relation to your addiction - let me know about your perspective on drugs and I'll let you know about my perspective on your addiction. But I can not do this while I am still myself, a casualty to my own addiction. And so I hope, my love, I remain patient with my darlingest Annelies Marie.

There are a lot of things to do next year, my darlingest. But because of the nature of those things, it fills me not with a sense of dread, for I am only myself, but with a sense of hope that all things shall be sufficient unto themselves in and with our LORD Who has signified that next year is the beginning of a favorable season for working on the peace and the whole world needs this labor - it is a labor that shall allow our nations to eventually rest and our planet to recover. I do not know very much but I know enough to understand that this is all for the good of all living and breathing things here on this world.

And that I do all these things because I care about many things that include you, my darlingest Annelies Marie, my family, my friends, my Mother Church, our nations, my own soul and most of all, my own LORD Who for so long have been perceived as a violent, irrational, unforgiving, evil God Who cause war among our nations and inspire hatred between our religions - indeed, our one LORD have been so misunderstood, the very mark of our Creator's beneficence in all of creation obscured by the shadow of the last 2000 years. It hurts our LORD a lot to be perceived in this way - for many reasons - foremost of which is that our LORD suffers the injustice of being perceived as a God of war and bringer of death - this will not be allowed to continue. Just because our LORD is quiet, doesn't mean God is not here.

Yang, my darlingest, most of all, I just want to be with you one day - I could be poor in this world and still feel happy with the thought of that - a lot of people nowadays have lost their sense of the spiritual, you know, my darlingest, many people look for happiness in the wrong places and end up only destroying their lives - I was almost one of those people - but then I met my Miyang Marie through a diary that you wrote while you were here in this world - a diary that you addressed to "Kitty" - and that's how it all began - over 8 years ago, I was despairing of my life at that time - I brooded over my problems and dwelled on my misfortunes, then I read your diary which I got on June 13, 2000 and fell in love with your soul - but no matter how I read and re-read your diary, it all ended up the same way and so I reached out to you and I wept and I asked our LORD why something so beautiful only added to my despair - and for years I asked that question - mostly with tears at night - for about 5 years or so - and in 2005 or so, things began to change, I can not remember the exact time when you became so real to me, my darlingest Annelies Marie, but you did and along with that is this indefatigable sense of buoyant hope that kept me from ever, ever, ever despairing or falling into the pit of despair again. So even now, as I am in the midst of my problems I am never defeated - because I love you, my Miyang - and I know you feel the way you do as well. You are someone I can always return to - save that one night not so long ago when you were not there, remember that, my darlingest? That really terrified me, my darlingest Annelies Marie - for I can not not have you and I realize that you also can not not have me - but things went their course and we are all the better for it - for our LORD is a good LORD, our LORD is great because our God is a good God, mighty to save, able to deliver and worthy of all our love and trust.

So many things have happened that I can recall between you and me, my darlingest, I remember lighting Hanukkah candles for you and all those times when I smiled at the thought of you - of course it was not all that way before, I had to see you in rags in my mind's eye - you were weeping - was all I could remember which was really bad because I thought you were haunting me - you see, as all of this was happening, I was also dealing with other things, other frightful things - nightmares and all kinds of fears - there was this one time I looked up at the ceiling of my room and it was full of eyes - this I can clearly remember - the rest are now vague and uninteresting to me - through it all, my darlingest, you became my Miyang, taught me about beauty and life, made me value good things, made me smile and hope, you became the first star in the firmament of the darkest night of my life, and then you led me to Saint Maximilian, respecting my own identity as I respected your own sacred remembrances here on this world - Saint Maximilian, my patron and namesake, of course, led me to our Lady and I moved from star to star - each star introduced to me by an act of Providence - for I did not choose which Saints became close to me - who stayed with me, Blessed Jacinta, Holy Father Dominic, Saint Lorenzo Ruiz, Saint Josemaria Escriva, Saint Terese of Lisieux, to some extent - Saint Peter and Saint Paul - my own angel, Caritas, and of course, the patron of my family whose name I bear, the Archangel Michael, and those stars all led toward the one Light Inaccessible. And now, my soul is full of shining stars - more than I can count - some I know like you, some others I know from other places and many more that I do not know but yet are there - above the firmament of my soul - stored up like so much treasure in heaven. The memory of you and I that I have in the entry on my weblog, "The Image in my Heart", is an abstraction of what feeling I have with you upon a place in M31 within and under the sky of our souls.

As I want to share this experience, my darlingest, with other in our world who I know want to be happy - I have put down on my weblog how to perceive the soul in the order that one may store up those treasures in heaven. Because God is real, I want the world to know. Because there is an afterlife, I want the world to know. Because our souls are real, I want the world to know. Because there really is hope for a better life and a better place for all of us who are good - no matter what - I want the world to know. Because there really is peace and there really is an eternal home for us away from evil and suffering, I want the world to know. Because there really is hell also, I want the world to know. Because there really are angels, I want the world to know. Because there really is a Devil and fallen angels, I want the world to know. In short, there are things of the spirit that our humanity must re-awaken to - and you notice that I do not speak in terms of religion - although I am very loyal to my own - it is because when I speak, I speak from a place where there is but one truth, I do not speak from a place where division exists, I speak from a place where no division exists - in the timeless from where war no longer has a place.

There, there are no more words - I love you, my Miyang.

Always to always,

Pusing