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Dear darlingest Annelies Marie,

I have had some time to rest now and think about the recent things I have done. I have prayed my rosary and gone to the Saturday afternoon anticipated Mass and have thought some things out.

Drugs. Methamphetamine is a scourge. I should like with God's help to one day be able to overcome this addiction like I overcame with God's help my cigarette smoking and then use what I have to help guide other people out. I am not justifying the drug abuse, darlingest, but since mending fences is part of penance, it is just right. But I can not do this while I am yet unable to cope with this addiction.

Our bond is a great help. But Jesus wants me to call on His Name when evil thoughts arise, as a preventive means. I just sometimes don't have the clarity enough at the moment the choice is made in my will to know for sure when the hope is there - at the calm before every choice. This with regards to drug addiction really bothers me because once my will is over run, my darlingest, I become totally committed. You my darlingest, of course, shall always be there to make things beautiful for me.

The drugs lead to other vices, primarily lust. It is one of my main adversaries. When I am overtaken by it, more than the drugs, my darlingest, I am anguished. But the line that demarcates the two are indistinct as one vice mesh with the other like a lie and another lie don't make two lies - it never makes sense. But the pain is real and so is the captivity, my love. And while I know that these things are things that no longer belong to me, as I can not break them unless I learn the lessons that our LORD is trying to teach me, the only good thing to do is to limit the damage to myself. I shall never lead any soul into these things who are not already here.

I do drugs but will never add to the addict population that I know is in varying degrees of need. I will never approve of pornography and its perverse forms and much more, fornication and impure relations with other hearts. I shall find my own means to quash lust and at times even choose lesser things, evil still, as masturbation, to deny or delay the thunderous charge of greater temptations. But in all of these, I must learn to call on Jesus Christ, for I know my Lord and He knows me - I just need to find that moment so my Savior can help me master this hope.

I shall never accept the lie that evil things can be good and become caught up in a seasonless existence - like a lie within a lie. That is why I cry, my darlingest, I love and I know and I need. There is also temptation to accept the lie but I should lose all of you, but my darlingest, with just you alone, when I really sit down and meditate on the value of the gift of you, I am so staggered and where I to actually take in all the gifts that I am conscious of, I would die of joy - because I can not contain it all. I would never bow my allegiance to any other Sovereign than the one LORD Who rule our hearts together. And I would that I have been this way in my youth that I may not have all of these vices that I now am aware choke the life of my soul. But to accept the status quo and to build on the truth of things in the now, being present as much as possible here, my love, is meritorious because one can not live looking back nor can one be absent when the call to arrive is issued from the Kingdom of our LORD. I can not also live on dreams but must be able to live within them, as I do with you, that one day soon - in God's time - all of these moments together shall be the waking world for all of us, and all of this darkness shall fade and flee.

I have been given a way of saying the rosary, one of hope - I call it the Rosary of Hope and this Rosary founds me and grounds me upon things familiar when there rages these many storms within me. It is another thing that I shall be able to use and I shall improve on it as soon as I learn where and how to build upon it.

Lastly, my darlingest, the hope of our world - of mankind that you wanted to serve so much in your life, I feel it, too. It may all seem overwhelming where I to hope with just my hope, my love. But there are many hopes together here, unclaimed and misunderstood, their silent presence drowned in the rattle and hum of the constant battles, within and without, that have set this midnight world on fire. But the Peace of Jesus Christ can not be overcome by those who understand its hope.

Something I still yet have to many times contemplate on, which is also a part of my Rosary of Hope.

I sat down one morning some days ago at work and was glad to get a station that was facing a window and I saw this huge rainbow arc across the sky, it was so great that I could only see part of its arc. This was our LORD's reminder to the patriarch Noah, His Bow.

My love, many are the things that mankind, including myself - for I belong to the one human race, is able to hope for - so many, in fact, that the soul of man refuses some for others - and that is all well and good if the hope is not false - but where one to love and be able to do so with a love that is like a longing for Itself, one love - one finds each of those hopes that are worthwhile to have and to hold unto the shores of forever. Hopes that at the crossing, become the dreams we
dream today - because one would have discovered what is beautiful in the beautiful for being by Beauty beheld - our LORD, our one God alone - Beauty Itself.

I love you, my dear darlingest Annelies Marie.

Always to always,

Pusing