20090820

I haven't been writing at all for the last several weeks or so. I have been really, really tried by a lot of very personal issues recently and am still trying to come to grips with the direction that my life seem to be bending towards.

These things are very, very hard to put down to words but as things clear up, I shall be sure to let you know, my darlingest dear. Suffice to say that all the learning I have, by the grace of our LORD God, been made to imbibe in myself over the last few years about the motions and the seasons of truth and of time have all come back to save me from becoming what I am not and though I am yet unsure of what I truly should be - there is enough direction here in myself now to know what I truly should not be, God-willing.

One thing is for sure though, my loveliest love, that whatever personal choices I make, I will never detract from the path of Sacred Life nor shall I ever cease from the labors to which all of my being yearns for in God and Country which is the promise of one Peace for our one family of nations.

Having said all of that, as I personally come to grips with our LORD's plan for my life, let me at least update you on this: This is the first thing that I shall have posted for a while now and it was written 200908018.
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Dear darlingest Miyang,

Feeling Useless

I feel so useless right now. I am besieged by so much voices in my head (for many years now, I have been dealing with chronic schizophrenia). And though I know to distinguish what is and what is not - these voices seek so passionately (and at times, quite vehemently) to blur the line between what is me and what is not me.

My home environment is not working for me either. Nor am I blessed by many options in the way of material things. All I have right now is my work, my love, my friends and you.

I can say so much things about my life and just as easily take them all in to make me a bitter man. But I refuse to do that for bitterness precludes a spirit of gratitude. I will neither curse the heavens nor will I rebel against the sacred life of our nations.

For I am a very strict monotheist and I feel that have always been a monotheist since I was born. My LORD is but one God alone and He has provided me with all of this, good as well as bad, for me to find Him, to know Him and in time, to be able to love Him as He ought to be loved.

But today, I feel useless and you know, my loveliest love, that is good enough for me right now. I thank my LORD God with all of my heart for making me feel useless. Because it's heaps better than being depressed. And how can I ever be depressed with my Miyang in my heart?

My trainer's hair (at work) reminds me so much of you. I know she is her own person, my loveliest love. You'd be the first one to tell me that it's never fair to compare. But I just can't help it, you know. It leads me to think bittersweet thoughts. It makes me want to pass our final assessments at my work as well.

I love you, my Miyang. I will have gone crazy a long time ago without you. But you always manage to pull me back from the brink, my darlingest dear, tooth and claw.

I love you. You are my first contact star, my binary, my most bestest of friends.

Always to always,

Pusing