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These thoughts I collected yesterday, my darlingest:

Dear darlingest Miyang,

Confusion

I am so confused right now, my love. Not about our one family of nations and the outcomes that are required of them - those things are always high up on the horizon. I know well how to defend the peace of our nations and I use this knowledge to steer my life.

Right now, my darlingest, it is my own personal peace that is being assaulted.

My uncle has schizophrenia, you know. I too, have a history of this illness, my loveliest love. But the difference with me is that I can still make the distinction between what is not and what is but sometimes, when these voices become too vicious or too convincing, I come to doubt this ability. But it is then that I turn to my spiritual grounding.

These voices seem to know to attack me where and when I am most vulnerable seeking not to undermine my convictions of God and Country but to destroy my relationships so as to be able to isolate and to break me. It seeks to turn me against those I have come to love and sometimes, it drives me to the point where I fear for my own life as well as the life of my own family and friends. Oftentimes, I only have the solace of my spiritual relationships to give shelter to my sanity. No one in this world seem willing to either listen or understand me about these things, my darlingest, which is why I really do appreciate you so much. But even my own friendship with you is not immune to these voices that seem to hate me and all that I am at a level that is incomprehensible to me. And I try to avoid even writing the exact words that these voices use against me - and you - because I do not want to remember them at all.

I know drug use have greatly contributed to this illness and I admit to that fact which is why I worry when these voices occur outside the haze of methamphetamine abuse. It is part of my past life which at the outset of my awareness of the truth of things, late as it was, I have unceasingly strived to remove from my present life.

Notwithstanding all of these, I continue on with my life and trust all in all to the LORD that even these afflictions are meant to fulfill a purpose in His plan.

I do not know much right now, my loveliest love, but to focus on my work and my recovery. And to hold on to my friendships trusting that even though at times when the sky is so full of rain just like it is right now and I can not see the stars up ahead and above of me, that even though unseen, they are yet still ever there. I only have to endure, my darlingest, with you.

But I also can't help but be engaged in the problems that plague those things I care most about - like the peace of our one family of nations, particularly of my own Filipino nation - and so I do what I can because once one is privy to love, that truth in the heart can never be undone. And even this, those voices have learned to exploit which is the main issue at the root of my confusion at the moment.

Are they real, are they not - what is real to me is only what I love in the LORD and what loves me for being me.

You know, I don't even know if I shall publish this on our Planet Annelies, my loveliest love. Sometimes, I am made to trust in the love itself and so this is what I will do right now, my darlingest, I shall trust.

Simply put, my Miyang, what is clear to me now is only this - that my personal focus right now should be on my work and my recovery.

If anything, my loveliest love, at the very least, I feel that I am now more equipped to once and for all to deal with my addiction to what is past and leave behind the last thing that is holding me back from our present hope that I may one day be able to say with you with much rejoicing in our hearts to the heavens and the earth that I am finally totally free from this infernal bondage of the vice of drug abuse along with all of its associated and perverse evils.

I am beginning to burn with a fire of pure loathing for illicit drugs but not its victims. And so I one day pray to be able to use this hope of mine to effectively help those many, many others who I know are still suffering from this same sin.

All things in time, God-willing, my love.
---<--@

Now, for the lighter side of things...

Appreciation

Though one is initially attracted to a person from a purely external reality, when in time one learns to appreciate the beautiful, it is usually our love that wonders and we begin to feel that mysterious yearning from within.

And as we become more and more conscious of our seeking to glimpse at the heart of a person, we become more and more aware of the presence of the beloved...

So when in time one has learned to appreciate beauty, one does not think to look at any physical attribute which is why anything that is sexual only serves to ruin the moment.

Yup! T'is deep stuff, my darlingest, but true.

Save for you, my loveliest love, this is how I universally appreciate pretty cats. For I wasn't really aware of your true beauty, my Miyang, when I was initially introduced to you through your diary. It was a real schlep, I know.

It is just awful how so many hearts are broken unto tears by a seemingly prevailing ignorance of itself. Yet amidst sin, grace does abound, my darlingest, and I say this from my own experience - with all them purty cats - single cats, that is: We all know that 1 + 1 = 1.
---<--@

The Call Center Industry

I think I have a good enough cross section of this industry for me to be able write something meaningful about it, my darlingest dear.

I think the call center industry here in the Philippines is a good opportunity to open our culture to the other cultures of our world.

I had to go to Australia for me to find out there are human beings in this world other than Filipinos, you know. I got shell shock for a month just by listening to too much Aussie slang.

But these days, things are slowly opening up for our beloved Philippines. And the Call Center Industry, with all its pros and cons, is at the forefront of this change. And I am quite thankful for the opportunity. And I am sure many others are just as blessed by this as I am.

So welcome to the call center industry, my loveliest love, where the job satisfaction is not all about the money.

One must also look at the company culture, the career path, the friendships, the perks and the sheer satisfaction at the end of the day of a job well done. Because if it were all about the money, you'll be sure to burn up. Because if you don't care for the industry it will drink all your beer and you'll age at twice the normal rate.

It is a service industry, my darlingest. The bottom line is this: It is not about the money - it is about helping people help you help yourself.
---<--@

I love you.

Always to always,

Pusing