20080823

My darlingest Yang-yang,

Hullo! It's been a little bit since I last wrote something down on this private little journal of ours. It's not like we've ever been apart or anything, you know, my darlingest. It's just that I, of course, want to put something down about all of this as an instrument not of mine but of our LORD's will, which is why I refrain as much as possible from speaking openly about all of this. If it were to remain secret, which is what I personally prefer all of this to be, then it would. But if our LORD Whose good pleasure and desires I do not often understand thinks otherwise, then it would be unbecoming of me as a Roman Catholic Christian to tempt Him. I am also cautious about everything because there seems to be some kind of opposition in my mind about many of the things that I write.

Only by the grace of God, my darlingest, am I able to discern which is His from what is not from the noises of the external world as well as the noises that sometimes plague my mind. And even then, I have to really put my trust in Him Who is worthy of all my love and trust. I feel guilty at times for not being able to give to our LORD what trust and love He truly deserves but it is also during those times that His Loves comes to me to calm me down from the deepest part of my soul.

There are times when I feel my reality shrinking into a ball, when I feel the world turning against me like a storm and even my LORD God Himself is standing at quite a distance from my deformed, conflicted self that I can no longer feel His presence but during those times, He leaves me you at the very least. And even though I can not feel you there, as I always do when the weather within my soul is calm, I feel this little light in my heart that constantly tries to convince me that all will be well, that peace will prevail over the wars that rage within my own self. In this sense, I am able to always spring back from the despair that like the tides of our inhabited earth, ebbs and flows, ever like the light and the darkness that describe the patterns of my spiritual life at this time. I feel caught between two worlds, my darlingest, one my own and the other my LORD's and though every fiber in my being screams at me that to my LORD is where I should rally, that to my God is where I correctly belong, it is my own brokenness more than the Devil and his terrifying minions or the vainglorious world outside of my self that seem to pull me down into the gravity of all that is fallen in our poor world.

Only by the grace of God that I am never without hope, my darlingest, only be the grace of God do I survive with both my soul and sanity intact. When I think of Jesus Christ, my darlingest, and all that He has done for me and for our suffering humanity, I am constantly wounded by the sins He has so generously offered His own life to be forgiven. My repentance is like a scar within a scar, a constant wounding that penetrates deep into my being and filled to overflowing with pools of tears which I know is like a drop in God's infinite ocean of mercy. I cry for Savior but sometimes I forget why I cry, I just do because it feels good to cry.

I have discovered an adoration chapel at our local parish church and I like to spend quiet time there now. I know I should be spending an hour but right now I'm only spending about 15 minutes at least (which is shabby compared to other more pious folks). But those 15 minutes that I am there are just so wonderful because whatever it is that I plan ahead to do when I get there just dissolves away into nothingness as I gaze into what seems to me is a keyhole into eternity and I am overcome by wonder. I become lost in thought within a Thought and at once is filled with awe and mystery at such a wonderful majesty that is our God. Jesus even held me from praying a rosary once and told me just to be still and enjoy our presence together. How wonderful it is not to plan anything ahead of time with God, my darlingest! All I really have to do is just to be present for Him and trust that He will do the rest.

I know that you, too in your life and times have deep seated feelings about God. My darlingest, there are many things that this world will never know until they get to where you are. There is an article about you in the Internet one day, a clip from a newspaper (country of origin I am not certain but it's printed in English), that you were in hell. And it really bothers me that even some Christians will mindlessly agree and quote on some passage in Holy Scripture like they would quote on a book of legal code and with the same air as those who interpret them by word alone but never by the Spirit. Like anyone would ever know where you are at this point in exile time, my darlingest. I have my own reasons to be convinced that you are not in hell, that you are who you are and some people would say that "in spite of this blah blah blah", but I would say my darlingest, that it is precisely because of this - it is because of who you are - that you are not in hell. Some people have forgotten the roots of our Abrahamic faith and consider evil to be at par with our one LORD which is why there is so much idolatry in our world at this point. No use really calling this present time, modern, really because we are not really modern where it really matters. Modern, maybe, in terms of other things - and there is nothing wrong with that, mind you. But with abortion and all the other terrible issues that every honorable religion worth it's salt in the eyes of our one common Creator should confront with decisiveness, I really feel that nothing has changed from the day that Cain struck down his own brother Abel. Perhaps, this is the way it is and that it will be the way it will be before the breaking of this world at the unveiling of exile time. But when I see the sadness and desperation in other people's eyes, taste their salty tears, hear their cry and feel their pain in my heart, I can not help but think about what is beautiful in all of us like you showed me, my darlingest Yang-yang Marie. And I say, "we do not deserve this" and I am convinced and I do what I can. I follow Jesus in spite of myself - with faith, hope and love - back to all of you.

Always to always, my darlingest.

Yours,

Your Kitty